The Girl in the Seat Next to You

Great News!!!

2010-05-15T21:26:00.001-07:00

I GOT MARRIED!
Best day of my life: 4/10/10.

"Praise be to God for His indescribable gifts..."

The Way

2009-11-22T13:25:00.000-08:00

NOTE: I just wanted to reemphasize the heart with which this note was written. A few people have expressed that this was "judgmental" or "condemnatory" in a blanket fashion. I do not intend to say that ALL the people who attend The Way are displeasing to God. Absolutely not. I am sure there are many sincere people in the church. My main point of contention with The Way is the overall image/impression the church gives you and leaves you with. The poem is strong because it is imagery expressing a simple truth. It is meant to be strong and carry across the taste that the church left in my heart. Allow me some poetic license if it is not scattered throughout with disclaimers to the sincere people at the church.I do not apologize for my sentiments regarding The Way. I still feel absolutely burdened that the evangelical church in America return to the Biblical standard of simple discipleship, not people pleasing, not loud worship sets. The gospel. Unadultered, undecorated. Jesus' words. Straight and to the point, regardless of who gets offended at the more difficult passages. That is the concern that drove this note and the poem contained in it.

---------------------------------

So I know there are people who attend The Way who are absolutely sincere. And I know that there are some crazy good sermons preached there sometimes.But when I went with Christina last night we just felt heart broken. I believe the church is in full process of selling out to materialism and selfishness and pretty much everything the early churches of Corinth, etc, were not. The Way is just blaringly obvious.

First off, you walk in and all you see are designer clothes and pretty face. It is essentially a giant Hollister or Abercrombie ad. I felt out of place even though I looked pretty decently nice for church. Everyone was just SO pretty. It looked and felt like we were on a parade.

Then the worship music was so loud you could feel it penetrate your insides and everyone was up jumping and waving their hands. The louder the music, the more vivacious was the crowd.

The sermon was pretty good but it seemed to contradictory to talk about being sold out for Christ when everyone else looked sold out to self and appearance.

Then the band got up again and sang, "I Surrrender All." Very quietly, very gently. I stood up. Barely anyone else in the auditorium did. Then the band switched to a rock anthem with Christian lyrics and everyone was up jumping and swaying. When the chorus came around, it was the loudest ever and there were hardly any hands that WEREN'T up in the air waving around. Emotion driven. That is what the church has become. And we wonder why we lose so many young people to the world...the church is becoming like the world.

Anyway, the rest of what I thought is expressed in my poem.:

I surrender all
Softly rains down from the
Rafters with black boxes suspended
High above the distracted crowd.
No one hears the gentle claims
To Jesus’ blood and
All that is clean.

The little squares of light
From those things
That tie us to everyone but God,
A instant text,
A reply back.
She’s in the know
That Jack and Jill broke up
But does she know she’s
Hurting the God of all that
Is,
Breaking His heart?

I alone stand in a room
Filled with hundreds.
It’s not a church,
It’s a warehouse
Storing little idols,
Little rulers of all their own.
Coach, Chanel, and others
Dot their bodies like
Expensive billboards
Eulogizing what they care about.

These little idols
Alive in their pursuits
But dead in their souls.
The show.
The parade.
Jesus would not approve.
My heart.
Breaking.
Jesus would not be welcome here.

The band changes to a rock anthem,
Oh, wait, a rock anthem
With Christian words.
And suddenly, the dead idols
Are up, up on their teetering stilettos
And Italian leather shoes.
Up and writhing
Back in forth, reminiscent
Of a downtown club.
Dancing for Jesus?
Or dancing for self?

The beat that pulses from the drummer’s hands
Through the black boxes
Shakes my blood vessels.
I can literally feel
The vibrations go through me.
At the chorus,
The dead idols really come alive.
They raise their hands and
Rock their tight, gym-sculpted bodies.
Raising their hands to Jesus?
Or raising their hands to the band?
Jesus would not approve.

The music finally ends
And so do the softly falling tears
That do not cross my cheeks
Because the preacher preached
Or the singer sang.
They drop because
God is not here.

Now I know why I feel alone,
She says.
Why?
Because all these Christians
Look just like THEM.
Just like the world.
Just like the people that are
Out and out headed for fire.
Just like the people
That sleep around
And lie
And commit adultery.
If we lined them up,
There would be no difference between the
Dead idols and the dead souls.
Jesus would not approve.

We rush through the door
Past the kissing couples
And skinny jean legs.
The coifed men
And skanky girls.
The girl with her underwear
As her outerwear.
The boy with the medical muscles
And spray-on tan.
The boy with the earrings, tats and
Oh wait, that’s a pastor.

Jesus is crying.
Where has My church gone?
From the upstairs
To the downtown?
From the go by 2s
To go by Fifth Ave.?
From the you are My temple
To you are a playground?
From the cross
To the grave?
Jesus would not approve.

What can I do?
Who can I send?
Send me, Lord, send me.
I am not afraid to have
Their icy glares turned from
The socially unacceptable girl
3 seats over
To the equally infuriating one
Jumping from her seat
And taking over the pastor’s
Stand up there on that plastic stage.
I’ll tell them!
Hellfire and brimstone
Like John Wesley loved.
I’ll tell them!
Send me, Lord, send me.

Let me help save the dead idols
Before the smoke suffocates.
Before the fire comes.
I see it at the door!
Quick, where is the fire alarm?
The man sees my distress and says
We had it removed.
The noise irritates people.

Oh no.
No,Jesus would not approve…

"Unreasonably" Confident

2009-04-20T23:02:00.000-07:00

I have been hard on my body lately.

I don't get enough sleep at night (long story.) I go to school full-time. Work almost full-time. And am actively competing in two sports: basketball and taekwondo. This weekend, I competed in my state's taekwondo championship. And I still hurt. Played basketball for 2+ hrs with 23 guys tonight and compounded everything.

Yes, I know. I am going too hard on my body. I get it. But something good is coming out of it. So I share it with you:

As my body breaks down, I am reminded of the shortness of life, the quickness by which the great fall, and the absolute lack of security we have that we will be alive tomorrow when the earth turns enough to let the sun's light rise over our horizons. We do not know anything except for who we have been and who we are right now.

Who we are right now is by and large dictated by our choice for or against God. If we choose against Him, it is a slippery slope into bar room brawls and backstabbing our loved ones.... If we choose for Him, it is a harder climb but worth every drop of sweat's weight in gold for the true joie de vivre we attain and understanding of what true love is -- from the Savior.

I know not why God’s wondrous grace
To me He hath made known,
Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love
Redeemed me for His own.

Refrain
But I know Whom I have believed,
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed
Unto Him against that day.

I know not how this saving faith
To me He did impart,
Nor how believing in His Word
Wrought peace within my heart.

Refrain
But I know Whom I have believed,
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed
Unto Him against that day.

I know not how the Spirit moves,
Convincing men of sin,
Revealing Jesus through the Word,
Creating faith in Him.

Refrain
But I know Whom I have believed,
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed
Unto Him against that day.

I know not what of good or ill
May be reserved for me,
Of weary ways or golden days,
Before His face I see.

Refrain
But I know Whom I have believed,
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed
Unto Him against that day.

I know not when my Lord may come,
At night or noonday fair,
Nor if I walk the vale with Him,
Or meet Him in the air.

Refrain
But I know Whom I have believed,
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed
Unto Him against that day.

-----------------------

If you haven't heard that hymn, look it up and listen to it. It is so encouraging and inspiring.

I know Whom I have believed...not myself, not vain words of man, not the twisted lies of established education, but JESUS' words. In that I can rest until He calls me home...

P.S. I know I haven't been keeping up with some of y'all's wonderful posts --- life is VERY busy. But thank you so much for your encouraging and faithful comments on my sporadic posts. They are blessings...

A Funny, Good Quote

2009-03-24T13:03:00.000-07:00

(Seen somewhere on the www.)

"Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, 'Oh NO! She's awake!' "

: )

Be a fighting force for God and for good in this world. There is no other way to live that does result in a wasted life.

Finding Rest Within

2009-03-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been ... difficult. I'm not exactly sure why certain things have been happening and also I have been struggling with other things I thought were behind me.

I stopped myself yesterday and sat myself down for a long, hard "talk." I was reading my Bible and taking notes. Interestingly, the verse that flung itself out at me was, "Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good." (Romans 12:?)

Why do we find ourselves desiring something in our lives that is clearly not good for us?? Something that would even further hurt us and cause pain! That is my question. I still haven't found an answer. I don't exactly think there is one.

So my conclusion was to write down 25 good things in my life that God has given me. These are tangible expressions of God's love for me. Often, when we struggle with something inside, it clouds our vision so we can't see all the things outside us that point us in a different direction.

Also, "abhor what is evil, cling to what is good." Abhor is a strong word. Evil is the opposite of God. It is the opposite of good. It is the opposite of love. There is no other response to something like that apart from abhorrence!

When presented with evil, or others' bad choices that truly affect you, cling to what is good. GOD IS GOOD. All the time. When we struggle with something, it is because GOD wants us to struggle with it. He has a greater plan and purpose.

The woman God is making me is stronger, better and ultimately more useful to Him for going through this time in my life.

I know this sounds cliche but I'm going to say it anyway:

Today could very well be my last day on earth. Or yours. We cannot control the circumstances that face us today. But we can control the attitude (esp. the attitude of the heart) with which we face them. Do
I want to spend my "last day" sad or frustrated or depressed or (fill in the blank)? No way, Jose!

Have a JOYFUL Wednesday, all.

P.S. Just a praise! God provided a GORGEOUS new car for me so my sister could have my old one. It's a brilliant blue 2007 Honda Civic Si. Goodness. My DREAM car. 6-speed. iVTec engine. Even has my hoped for keyless entry (w/ 4-doors for all my passengers.) Oh my goodness. God is SO good.

It seems ridiculous to me I would ever allow myself to be caught up in any kind of pain over other things when God has so richly showered and filled my life with blessings.

Look around. I'll bet yours is full as well.

2009-03-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

A Late Night Realization

2009-02-21T23:35:00.001-08:00

Don't you love it when you're just moseying on through and suddenly a new perspective hits you like a firm pillow well-swung in a pillow fight at summer camp? That happened to me tonight so what better place to share it than my blog. Especially since everyone else is asleep, as they should be nearing midnight. Well, the cats are up but they're so unresponsive and...apathetic.

You know the verse, Philippians 4:7, that says God gives you a "peace that passes understanding." Well, I've ALWAYS thought of that verse one way: that the peace God gives us is beyond comprehension to outsiders and even to ourselves sometimes.

But it occured to me tonight that the peace God gives us surpasses the need to understand! When we get on our faces before Jesus and cry out for salvation, we are moving past our human limitations and weak, finite minds into something so much greater and broader and really...INFINITE. The things that quenched our fire and took the wind out of sails and drove us into mazes that seemed endless seem to just fade away. The things that were once of utmost importance seem of no importance at all.

When compared with the grandeur of God, the greatness of our dilemmas and confusions seem absolutely, infinitesimally small. God has taken away our tornadoes of inner and outer doubt and replaced them with doldrums that replenish, not distress.

The peace He gives us takes away the unrest our mind casts us into. And that, in itself, is incomprehensible and magnificent.

But, I go yet a step further into the "passes understanding." God not only takes away our confusion and replaces it with peace, but He, the Creator of the Universe, goes out of the way to answer our endless questions. He is so much better than an earthly father who, at the end of his patience, says, "Because I said so!" to every "Why??" God says, "Because I said so...trust me." We say, "Yes." And He often says, "Here is why I said so." Sometimes we have to wait a little while but God's reasons are always there, even if it takes time to see them, or understand them.

In the meantime, we have, from Him, a peace that truly surpasses all understanding...

I hope that encourages someone tonight. It certainly has me...

In Honor of Valentine's Day

2009-02-15T13:42:00.000-08:00

Wait for me, and I'll return
Only wait very hard
Wait when you are filled with sorrow...
Wait in the sweltering heat
Wait when the others have stopped waiting,
Forgetting their yesterdays.

Wait even when from afar no letters come to you
Wait even when others are tired of waiting...
And when friends sit around the fire,
Drinking to my memory,
Wait, and do not hurry to drink to my memory too.

Wait. For I'll return, defying every death.
And let those who do not wait say that I was lucky.
They will never understand that in the midst of death,
You with you waiting saved me.
Only you and I know how I survived.
It's because you waited, as no one else did.

-Konstantin Simonov

I think this is just a lovely, lovely...love poem. Mostly, it makes me think of how God so often in our lives, asks us to wait for Him. To wait for His leading, for His answer, for His presence, etc. To wait.

Love is laying down (or aside) your life for the other. Loving Christ means leaving your life!! All of it. To start over with whatever He gives you. Loving Christ means following Him when He moves forward and waiting for Him when He stops.

Is Christ asking you to wait for Him right now?? Is He asking for your love this Valentine's Day (a day late)?

St. Augustine said this: 'You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You.'

Waiting for Him may look like a hard thing, but really, in that waiting, there is a greater peace than in any action found apart from Him.

Signed,
Restless...until I found my rest in You...

No Matter What

2009-02-11T22:26:00.001-08:00

...everything God puts in our lives is good. EVERYTHING.

I might have a broken foot. From taekwondo sparring. Those inexperienced 200 lb., 6'2'' yellow belts with ZERO control...so frustrating. I only JUST recovered from a knee injury from taekwondo of December 2007. SOO frustrating.

But I'm trusting God. This, if it is broken, and tomorrow will tell, may seem like just another challenge in a challenging past few months. But this is like boot camp for the Marines! Seriously! I've decided that's the only way for me to survive my life, which is never dull and not always easy.

Every challenge is an opportunity to get closer to and stronger in God. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

This is my 2009 motto. So bring it!!!!

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

--1 Cor. 13:6-7

**BibleGateway.com ROCKS! Every single time I go on there to look up a verse for a post, the "verse of the day" totally fits! : )

A Borrowed Blog

2009-02-03T16:41:00.000-08:00

This is from the blog of one of my favorite Christian artists, Tenth Avenue North. I LOVE THIS BLOG! And I don't feel I could've said this better.

So truth from a different source:

Chapter 5 Let it Go

"And avoid fear, for fear is the consequence of every lie."-Fydor Doystoevsky, (the Brothers Karamazov)
Today, this single phrase has been beating in my head like a war drum.

On the battlefield of my mind, and in the fragile chaos of my machine-like heart,this simple line has been echoing on.
Reverberating off the walls of war-torn streets,
I can faintly hear the Roman calvary choirs singing.
And for me, it sounds a lot like freedom.
This one thought, this shining flickering light is my lighthouse in a thundering sea.

Maybe not you, but I for one have been rather sick and tired of myself as of late.
And more specifically, I'm tired of the lies that I so blindly believe.

I know it may sound melodramatic, but if my heart is where my treasure is then I'm tired of this love affair I've made with doubt and the seemingly never-ending struggle in my heart.
I want you to get it. I want you to understand that if you struggle with the answersthat you're not alone. But I also want you to know the root, the cause, and the fight that's in between.

Lies.

There are lies everywhere.
Blinking neon lights, and sweetly penned secrets.
A movie. A sermon. A Day after thanksgiving sale.
How quickly we forget that the things we hear and see are making an impression.
Like an empty place in the bed where a body used to lay,
they're wrapped up in the sheets, but they don't need the rest.
They can come without warning and talk for hours without a sound.
Lies tell the future, insist on interpreting the past, and seem to always keep us paralyzed to the present.
They can fill a closet with skeletons and invite monsters under the bed.
Lies are strangers in friends clothing and fill your house when you're alone.

Fears.
The inevitable, unstoppable result of listening to something other than the truth.
Cousins, sisters, brothers [mothers] perhaps? I'm not exactly sure the relation
but I know that its a tie that binds.
Feed one, and you nourish the other.
Nurture a lie, and watch the panic grow.
Forget the truth and welcome anxiety.
Give up on hope, and welcome misery with open arms.

So then it should comes as no surprise that the most recurrent command in all the Bible is this:"Do not be afraid."

Easy enough right?

Well maybe it could be, but I don't think we'll ever live free of fear as long as fear itself is our problem.

Fydor reminds me. Fear is the consequence of a lie, which means, if I find in myself some irrisistible anxiety, chances are, I've welcomed a lie into my heart. And maybe I didn't exactly welcome it. Maybe I just forgot to close the door on some memory or I left the window cracked, but whatever the reason, if the lie has crept in somewhere, and has made its home where my faith has worn through, I must recognize it for what it is.

It should also come as no surprise then, that the work of God is belief.

"This is the work of God, that you believe in the one whom He has sent." Or as Jon Foreman sang, "belief over misery."

Do we understand that fear isn't something that we are meant to live with? Do we have any idea how free we would be if we could just believe? And trust me, I know. It's not easy. In fact, its the hardest work any of else will ever have to do, but its the war we were meant for. Since we're grafted into Israel as Romans says, that means we're brought in to "wrestle with God,"for that is exactly what Israel means.

So we fight to rest.

We work to stop working.

We war for peace.

We run to stand still.

Life is waiting for the ones who lose control. "taking captive every thought, and making it obedient to Christ Jesus." Take captive? Yeah. Take it freaking captive. Smack that lie in the mouth and slaughter it with truth.

Here's some fights I've had so far.

Lie: "you're too screwed up for God to love you anymore."
Truth: "God proves his love, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

Lie: "I've made too many poor choices. I've missed God's will for my life."
Truth: "Even what you meant for evil, God meant for good." (Gen 50:20)
"God works all things together for good for those who love God and who have been called"

Lie: "Someone might break in and kill me."
Word: "Do not fear those who can kill the body and after that can do no more. Fear him who after killing the body has the power to throw you into hell." (Luke 12:4,5)

Lie: "I'm not good enough"
Truth: "In this is love, not that we love God, but that He loved us...." (I John 4:10)

Lie: "I'm awesome. God owes me."
Truth: "God is not served by men's hands as if He needed anything..." (Acts 17:25)

Lie: OMG. Can you believe this guy? What a jerk!
Truth: "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but with sober judgement,according the measure of faith God has given you." (Romans 12:3)

Lie: "Sex will give me the pleasure I'm looking for."
Truth: "I have no good thing apart from you." (Psalm 16:2)
"In His presence there is the fullness of joy, at his right hand are pleasures forever." (Psalm 16:11)

Lie: "God's command is going to ruin your good time."
Truth: "The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but I have come to give you life,and life more abundantly." (John 10:10)

Lie: "I don't have the strength to say no to this!"
Truth: "if anyone is in Christ He is a new creation." (2 Cor 5:17)
"and He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." (I Cor 10:13)

The war drum goes on. It never ends, it doesn't stop.

And so avoid fear, for fear is the consequence of every lie.

Belief is a fight. Work at it with all the power that God supplies.

-------------------------------------------

Good right? I have nothing else to add. Except that I have fought every single one of those lies too (and conquered them by the grace of God.)

The Valleys

2009-02-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

I don't think that the mainstream evangelical church does a very good job preparing Christians -- especially new ones -- for going through life's valleys, more specifically, the valleys in your relationship with Christ.

Let's be honest. NO ONE is "on fire" 100% of their life for Christ. "On fire" meaning that passionate "honeymoon" period of emotions and excitement that is such a huge deal to the church. Life is just so hard sometimes. If we had nothing else to do but sit around and think about Christ, read the Bible/books about Him, and listen to good classical or Christian music, maybe we would have a chance at not ever "cooling" off. But that's not realistic.

Our relationship with Christ is like a marriage. There are going to be times when you absolutely do not want to do what is best for the other person in the marriage. (Speaking not from experience, but hoping I'm correct.) But you love that person so you do it anyway. Or you know that it is best for the relationship and will help make loving them easier in the future (by laying more foundations), so you do it anyway.

That is how it is with Christ. Sometimes, the things He commands us to do are downright breathtaking. And not breathtaking like, "Wow! Look at that sunrise!" Breathtaking like you just found out one of the people you love most in the world has cancer. (Speaking from experience.) Breathtaking like someone is chasing you, with intent to kill, and the only way to escape is to jump over the cliff and hope you land in the water, not the rocks below. (Speaking not from experience.)

Those are the valleys. Well, forget valleys. Those are the Mariana Trenches in life. And most people don't usually tell you how very real those will be when you are a new Christian.

So I'll tell you .

YOU ABSOLUTELY WILL COME ACROSS TIMES IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU WANT TO STOP FOLLOWING CHRIST.

And that is normal. What is not normal and is not okay, is following through with that desire and actually forsaking Christ for any length of time.

The good thing about valleys is that, just like they have a down-slope, they always have an up-slope. They always end.

I was reading in one of my favorite books, The Christian's Secret of a Happy Life, that everything in life (everything) is either eternal or temporary.

Satan wants us to swallow the lie that the only way out is to sell out. Jesus is there saying, "Hold My hand. Hold on. Wait. I'll carry you through. The rewards will be good. The end justifies the means."

God always has a greater purpose than we can sometimes see for any suffering He allows His saints to go through. But we won't get to see the purpose if we don't hang on and trust till the end.

Making the choice to have faith in His plan and to hold on through every up and down is what Chrisitanity is all about. Forsaking ourselves, picking up our crosses and following Him.

And that is where life can be found. Without Christ, life is just one big valley with occasional happy spots. Trust me. I'm speaking from experience.

“But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.”

--Psalm 59:16--

"Love is Here"

2009-02-01T14:00:00.001-08:00

This is my favorite Christian artist. I hope this touches someone, somewhere...

Thank You, Jesus, for being all I need...I'm sorry for ever wanting more...

Insomnia

2009-02-01T01:05:00.000-08:00

I went to BibleGateway.com to try to find something that would encourage me and help me fall asleep because I'm having a rough time at the moment.

But this verse was on the front page:

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
--Deuteronomy 6:4-5--

Not exactly encouraging I would say, but definitely thought-provoking. All I can do is love the Lord with all that is within me. There is absolutely nothing else I can do. I cannot save anyone I love/care about. I cannot save myself. I could not take my next breath if God did not want me to. I cannot make wrongs work out for good.

I can do nothing. There is a peace in that acknowledgement. As long as we believe that we can do something, then there is pressure to do it. But when we see that we are helpless little peons that God deigns to save and empower, then we are free from that pressure -- set free in rest that it is ALL God's problem, not ours.

That is encouraging.

I can't do anything. All I can do is love God with everything in me. Even that takes His help. But that's pretty much it. So I have to rest that God IS in control! If He gives me strength to talk to someone, He's also going to have to supply the words since I cannot. Then, whatever comes of it, is His responsibility. I'm just a messenger of sorts.

But let all who take refuge in You be glad,
Let them ever sing for joy;
And may You shelter them,
That those who love Your name may exult in You.

--Psalm 5:11--

And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.

--Psalm 27:6--

For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

--Psalm 30:5--

Here's to the morning. May it come soon...

Happy February.

Current Project!

2009-01-29T10:22:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/PikePictures has more clips and videos. Our blog is http://www.creationexplorers.blogspot.com/.

Courage: Quotes That Inspire Me

2009-01-28T16:46:00.000-08:00

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
--Charles Dubois--

I just think life is scary. We either go through life stagnant, or we jump off those cliffs and climb those mountains and face those unknown challenges behind those scary doors -- the kind that look like the gates of Mordor.

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
--Dorothy Thompson--

I differ with you slightly, Ms. Thompson. I think that only when we decide to not let our fears rule our lives do we begin to live -- and in that, face and conquer those fears that held us back.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
--Eleanor Roosevelt--

Isn't this one of the most overused quotes ever? But I never hear the last part -- you must do the thing you think you cannot do. Why is that? Maybe I'm just not listening very well. Or maybe, no one wants to do those things that really freak us out and look impossible. I certainly, naturally, do not want to do those things!! But with Christ, I can face my fears and do those things with I alone truly cannot do!

The right way is not always the popular and easy way. Standing for right when it is unpopular is a true test of moral character.
--Margaret Chase Smith--

That goes with that VERY popular quote by Edmund Burke, "A man truly believes not what he recites in his creed but what he is willing to die for."

(Our) History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage (and Christ of course!), need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou--

No comment. That's pretty clear to me.

Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.
--attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson--

I LOVE that!!! I want to be a brave woman!! I know I lack in so many ways -- courage especially being one of them. But I also know that in every single area that I lack, Christ is there to make up the difference if we are sold out for Him!

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
--Theodore Roosevelt--

If that all sounded like a lot of the same thing over and over, I'm sorry. But I needed a courage pick-me-up. It helps me to realize that I'm not as alone in my struggles as I think I am and that a lot of other people have faced similar challenges and survived and WON.

Alone, I can do nothing. But with Christ, with the faith of a mustard seed, I can move mountains!!!

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
--Deuteronomy 31:6--

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

2009-01-23T18:50:00.000-08:00

This is an unsual post for me. But, apart from the at-times, very rocky music, the lyrics are sooo true for me and a lot of people who have received "a second chance" from God. I hope that I will be able to extend second chances to people who have hurt me but come back with remorse.

Because God has been so merciful to me and I am so undeserving...

And I do hate who I've been. But she's gone now. A new creation remains, unrecognizable and full of light and love for/of Jesus. Praise be to Him alone.

"Save to the Uttermost"

2009-01-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

"Wherefore he is able also to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by him, seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for them."

-Hebrews 7:25 (KJV)-

I have many friends who have left -- some to get pregnant out of wedlock, others to drugs and alcohol, and others just the path of "self-fulfillment," which inevitably turns into a place of darkness in your soul that no one can shine a light bright enough to cast away the black emptiness.

I know because I've been there. Not even the most well-meaning friends or family can drag you out of that place. You sort of wander from thrill to thrill, outwardly happy, but inwardly dying a little more every day.

I convinced myself for a long time with excuse after excuse that yes, I was happy, and yes, this is what I am supposed to do. But you never can quite reach that itch that is so deep inside you don't even know where it is you need to scratch, that wound that is so hidden you can never find it to stop the bleeding no matter how hard you try.

It takes people different lengths of time to realize and then acknowledge they have this burning,
throbbing pain inside their core. Some people are such good liars that they never can reach that place of total honesty. But there is always something missing.

Don't believe me? Let me try another tack.

Love is supposed to be the numero uno, the most important thing in life to attain. Lennon famously sang, "Love is all we need." But is it?

50 percent of American marriages now end in divorce. 50 percent! Even the evangelical church loses half of its family units to divorce. BNET.com reports that 59 percent of their survey respondents between the ages of 18 and 34 say they have recently experienced a breakup.

So if half of marriages end and well over half of the relationships in the first quarter of your adult life end, is love really all you need? All those marriages pledged to love unto death do them part. I'm fairly sure most of those relationships said, "I love you," to each other and meant it to varying degrees.

Apparently, Lennon was wrong.

So back to my original thought. If even love of a spouse or boy/girlfriend, cannot truly complete you, what can?

I contend that love of a different kind completes you. And in that, Lennon was not wrong. Love IS all we need -- the love of God and the love for God. He is the Missing Piece. If you believe He created us, then you must also believe He created us for a reason.

That reason is to find and love Him, with a superceding passion that can indeed carry you through every crevasse and canyon, over every mountain and peak, and across every raging river and impassable ocean in life.

But we will not know we need to find Him if nothing tells us we need Him. And that is where the missing piece in our hearts, the itch that is so deep we cannot reach it, and the wound that is so hidden we cannot find it, come in. WE tell ourselves we need God! God created us needing something, and that something is HIM.

If we are not open to finding Him and loving Him, then we spend our whole lives searching. Look at Brad and Angelina! They have how many kids now and they want still more?? They spend their time on so many continents no one knows where they are from one day to the next, and are so wealthy that three mansions aren't enough, but they must have one in every country they like. They appear happy and content, but their lives clearly speak otherwise. Always more,
always new, always something else.

But they are an extreme case that perhaps a lot of people can't relate to.

So I take myself -- an average girl sitting next to you at a table in the college library. The man sitting across from me thinks I'm doing my science homework. But here I am pouring out my burden to the world wide web.

Three years ago, come April, I was looking for something. From 14-18, I developed quite a few bad habits during my search, so many that even my family was despairing of bearing with me.

I was a thief.
I was a liar.
I was a control freak.
I was materialistic to an extreme.
I exaggerated.
I was a flirt.
I was self-absorbed.
I was selfish.
I was apathetic.
I was passionless, except about having fun.
I was ... lost.

How many of those characteristics can you ascribe to yourself at sometime in your life? Probably many of them. The fact is we are all like that -- really awful people under a pretty wrapping job (reality shows especially dramatize that). We are all missing some sort of chip in our physical computer. A chip that only Christ can fulfill.

So back to my friends. I worry for them and I pray for them everyday -- sometimes multiple times throughout the day. But when I start to feel as though I have to do something to save them, I've been stopping myself to look to the One who loves them even more than I do, Who wants them to be saved more than I do, and Who knows them better than even I do (and therefore knows what they must go through before they can find Him and love Him.)

I truly believe He IS ABLE TO SAVE TO THE UTTERMOST. He saved me, one of those "lost causes." I trust that anyone who comes unto Him, no matter what their background, He will save them, and keep them to life eternal.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

-Matthew 7:7-8-

Darwin's Confession

2009-01-18T18:31:00.001-08:00

"To suppose that the eye with all its inimitable contrivances for adjusting the focus to different distances, for admitting different amounts of light, and for the correction of spherical and chromatic aberration, could have been formed by natural selection, seems, I freely confess, absurd in the highest degree."

- Charles Darwin, The Origin of Species, p. 175.

=========================================

Thought-provoking is it not? I have heard Darwin recanted of some of his theory of evolution before he died but have not read his words directly yet. I certainly plan to after reading the above quote. And challenge the rest of you to do the same.

A Conundrum

2009-01-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

"Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, Reprove a wise man and he will love you."

--Proverbs 9:8--

I go to a community college. All day long I am surrounded by souls. Many of whom are just slightly older high-schoolers, maturity-wise. Finding someone who is interested in truth and wisdom is...well, very very rare. I am more likely to be "scoffed" or ridiculed when I speak up, than to be received well. It is even more rare to find a teacher who, although disgustingly liberal, will respect you for standing up for what you believe.

But does that mean you don't try? Do you stand up in class and say, "That is wrong?" Or do you ignore the evolutionary propaganda and sit by quietly while your dozens of more naive, sponge-like classmates absorb the "material" because, well, the PhD in the front of the room believes it so it must be true? When you come across one of those "scoffers" Proverbs talks about, do you let it slide because they won't believe you anyway?

God did not send us to monasteries up in the Alps (yes, Alps) for a reason! He wants us to be "fishers of men."

Jesus said, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves." (Luke 10:2) Like lambs among wolves. That doesn't sound like a very good Shepherd and that also doesn't sound anything like words of the wisest man to ever live (Solomon), who counseled us to NOT reprove scoffers!

The thing is, Jesus did not send us out to harvest the fields of souls alone. He sent us with a Guardian, a Counselor -- the Holy Spirit. All we have to do is wait for the "Field Manager" to send us to our tasks!

So the "task" that started this train of thought. I was at school yesterday, standing at the computers in the library. Two guys started talking, not whispering, two computers down, about how they were going to start a video arcade/strip club not far from here. The main guy went on and on about how the local mega-church would shut them down within a month but what a month it would be! It was his friend's dream!! And what a great dream it was! To break up families, degrade men and women, and society! What a hoot!

I must admit, my head was about to explode. Steam was practically visible coming from my ears like a teapot. I was getting angrier and angrier. How dare they!! I had to do something. I felt like something inside me was pushing to get out -- to yell "perverts!" at them.

But, expectedly, my Americanized politeness/political correctness instincts fought back. No, I thought, I shouldn't. Freedom of speech and all. What if I see them around school? Etc. Etc. You can imagine my train of thought.

Unfortunately for them, I have spent the last two years trying to get rid of my Americanized politeness and fear of man's disapproval. The Holy Spirit was clearly telling me I couldn't let evil raise its ugly head without hitting it back down, like that frog-bopping game in Chucky Cheese's when I was kid.

I walked over to them as I left. "You guys are disgusting," I said firmly, detest practically dripping from my voice, looking the main guy square in the eye. Right on queue, the scoffing began. "HA!" he hooted, clapping his hands, "Our first protester!!" The other looked shocked.

I walked away, refraining from kicking him right where it hurts. I'm fiesty -- not mean, and not in a rush for an arrest warrant to show up on my record.

But I felt like the victor. I knew that I had done the right thing. I don't think it'll make a difference but at least I did not stand idly by. I was faithful to what I believe. More importantly, I was faithful to the "still, small voice" within me -- the Holy Spirit. And that is the main part. That is the part Solomon left out. If I could re-write it, it would say, "Do not reprove scoffers, UNLESS THE HOLY SPIRIT TELLS YOU TOO, but expect them to hate you anyway."

"A man truly believes, not what he recites in his creed, but what he is willing to die for."

--author forgotten--

I wasn't in any danger of dying, except maybe socially. But the concept can be broadened to that. Essentially, if you aren't willing to overturn the moneychangers' tables with Jesus, don't think walking with Him.

On my 21st Birthday

2009-01-08T23:21:00.000-08:00

“For the message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the POWER OF GOD.”

*1 Cor. 1:18*

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

*Matthew 16:24-25*

I can’t say it any better than those two verses.

“For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

That line – I have never believed anything more truly than that line.

A Mini Testimony on my 21st Birthday:

For so long, my life was MINE. What did I want, need, desire, hope for. And guess what?

I didn’t get anything I wanted. Only pain.

I didn’t get any of the things I thought I needed. Only pain.

I didn’t fulfill any of my desires. Only pain.

I didn’t realize any of my hopes. Only pain.

I lost my life truly and fell to a place of depression I never thought I’d break free from even though I tried to be a “good girl.” But then I realized. It IS too much to do on my own. I can't keep trying -- to please God through good works, or to please myself through anything else.

I just had to decide, “Do I want Jesus and His love more than anything else? Is that going to be my lifelong desire? Or do I want to continue messing everything up?”

April 2006. Beginning of the journey. I picked up my cross, and followed Him.

And have truly found LIFE. And every day, I thank God for the “indescribable gift.”

Holding On

2008-12-31T09:44:00.001-08:00

“I concentrated so hard on my vision that I lost my sight.”
-unknown-

Looking at the path,
Trying not to trip again,
Sweating not to fall.
But down again,
Tumble again,
Stumble and crawl.

Up again
I force my weary legs
To bear full weight
Once more
But crash
For another time,
The tears begin to
Fall
From my focused eyes.

Sitting there
Weary from so long
And futile a trek,
I finally for the first time
Raise my eyes
From the winding,
Rocky, precipitous road
With giant cliffs
On either side.
To my astonishment,
I am not alone.

A great figure
Clothed in white
Stood above me.
Frightened at first,
I shy away
But His voice calls me back.

“Child. Loved one.
You have not been alone
These weary miles.
Your cries have not been unanswered.
I have been beside you
And kept you safe
In every fall
From plummeting
To end all.”

“Why did you let
Me tumble at all?”
I weep.

“Because you would not
Take My hand
Which I held in front
Of you
All along.
You would not take My hand.”

I see it now.
A great, strong hand,
Pierced through the middle
In the shape of an ancient nail,
Reaching to me.

“Why did you not
Call out to me?
To stop me?”
I still don’t understand.

“The choice is yours—
Always yours.
Love is a decision
Not a forced
Forfeit.
I was always here.
Had you looked,
You would have seen
My footprints lead the way.
But you only thought
To what was wrong
Not what was right
In front of you
All along.”

12/31/08

Thank You, Lord, for bearing with me for so long…

Of course, Christ does call out to us as we stumble in our pathes of sin. But He may not do it forever, or even for very long. Let us not take lightly His love for each and every one of us. Let us reach up and grasp the hand that is reaching back. It will lighten every step we take for the rest of our lives if only by knowing, we are not alone.

A Thought to Live By

2008-12-29T16:46:00.001-08:00

"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big YOUR GOD is!"

-unknown-

The grandeur of God is beyond comprehension. Beyond all the words in English lanuage -- or other foreign dialect. Even our most praise-bearing words do not touch what He is.

God is grandiose.

God is magnificent.

God is ominopotent.

God is omnicient.

God is awesome.

God is omnipresent.

God is awe-inspiring.

God is splendid.

God is extravagant.

God is remarkable.

God is astounding.

God is overwhelming.

Do you still feel like you have only read a list of words? That is because God is all those things but those things are not God. God is still SO far above them and beyond them. We can only begin to sense His greatness when He reaches out, picks up from our brokenness in the corner gutter, breathes new life into us and calls us His own, His bride, "worthy" of His love. We who are not even worthy of drawing our next breath -- worthy of His love.

That is how grand God is. That our great trespasses against Him are utterly lost inside His love and mercy.

Let us never forget the God we serve. Let us never take advantage of Him. Always reaching upwards to His hands --- which beyond all comprehension, are reaching back.

www.truthtellers.org

2008-12-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

I Would Tell My Younger Self...

2008-12-22T22:31:00.000-08:00

If somone starts cruelly criticizing your family (especially if they are wrong) -- shut them down. Your family is your unit, your "leave no man behind" team. You don't let anyone lay them out to dry. Period.
If some guy tells you "good" things, like how important you are to him, etc., reserve your emotional response until you see him in action. Dr. Laura talks about men who would "swim through shark-infested waters" for you. Wait for actions to back up what he says.
Take your time now and use it wisely. There are way too many good books out there to read any book twice. Don't waste your relaxing time watching dumb movies so much. Watch thought-provoking movies that will challenge you to become a better person. ("Braveheart," "To End All Wars," and "Gladiator" come to mind.) Realize that you do not need free, relaxing time as much as you think. Stop doling it out so plentifully.
That goes along with this: push yourself! You will never ever regret it. You have more energy, strength and mental capacity now than you will ever have.
About your weight: remember that it only matters to you. No one else cares. Don't talke about it, don't make a big deal about it. Your metabolism is phenomenal. Enjoy foods now that you will instantly gain 10 lbs. later by eating. But also remember your body has about 10-15 yrs of looking GREAT. Don't waste the first 5 by being lazy. Unless you want to. But recognize what you are doing.
Learn new things every day. Get as much knowledge packed into your head as possible. So much it hurts -- like you're studying for a final. Life gets so busy so fast. Use your time to become as a big a person as possible -- even if that means leaving smaller-minded friends, or even boyfriends, in the dust. And it will.
Friends are great but not in the list of life's GREAT goods. You can do just fine with 2 or 3 great friends. And you can do just awful with 10-15 "girlfriends." Unless they make you grow, don't spend a lot of time with them, unless God leads you to. It isn't about how good they make you feel or anything. They are simply souls who need you to bring them "faith challenges" -- find out how sincere they really are. Just because they go to biblestudy or church doesn't mean they'd go to heaven if they die.
Boys. Stop flirting with them. All of them. It's insincere, inappropriate and a huge distraction. Put yourself on the "unavailable" list. You aren't open to a relationship for years. So stop acting like you are!
Boys deserve two bullet points they're such a big deal. Boys cause drama, pain, heartache, wasted love and time, and so many other horrible scarring things. MEN cause spiritual growth, personal growth, happiness, strength in times of great suffering, a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to reach for when you fall. I have not met many men in my life. I certainly have yet to meet a single man who could be my future husband. I have met many boys. Even fallen for one. But men are few and far between ... Let me put it a different way ... Tall and handsome are 2 words that come to mind. Funny. Etc. All good words. But can you also say- he would drive through a snowstorm to come to a place he knew the truth was being taught? Can you say- he would rather suffer the loss of his arms than hurt the one he loves? Can you say- he values a woman's heart for the Lord more than her pretty face and blue eyes? Can you say- he values other Christians' opinions far above his own? Can you say- he values humility above being "right" and stubborn? Can you say those things and things like that? If you can't, you have yourself a boy. LET HIM GO.

I have more but it's too late for you, my younger self. You have already grown up and done all those things wrong and hurt...oh how you have hurt! But you have grown and come so far by the strength of God! And I am proud of you! And it's not too late to help someone else.

Above all, younger self -- Share love...not makeup tips.

Broken On My Own

2008-12-22T22:06:00.000-08:00

"We are continually in circumstances where no man can do us the least good, and where we cannot help or deliver ourselves; we are in snares, and cannot break them; we are in temptations, and cannot deliver ourselves out of them; we are in trouble, and cannot comfort ourselves; are wandering sheep, and cannot find the way back to the fold; we are continually roving after idols, and hewing out "broken cisterns," and cannot return to "the fountain of living waters." How suitable, then, and sweet it is, to those who are thus exercised, to see that there is a gracious Immanuel at the right hand of the Father, whose heart is filled with love, and whose bowels move with compassion; who has shed His own precious blood that they might live; who has wrought out a glorious righteousness, and 'is able to save unto the uttermost all that come unto God by him.'"

Philpot, J. (1997). Ears from Harvested Sheaves . (July 16). Oak Harbor: Logos Research Systems, Inc.

------------------------------------------

If I were who I would
Have been,
I would never have
Told you goodbye.

If I were who I would
Have been,
All I say
Could be a lie.

If I were who I would
Have been,
You would have
Found no help
By knocking on my door.

If I were her,
I would lie awake
At night and still wish
My heart were quiet.

If I were her,
Knowing me would
Be no unusual
Testament to the power
Of a great God
In a dark world.

If I were her,
I would be ashamed...

But I am not her.

I told you goodbye
And never looked
Back.
I speak the truth,
Even when I must
Count a loss.
I can help a broken
Heart because mine
Has been healed.
I sleep well at
Night because
I only listen to what
Is right.

I am not her
Who I would
Have been,
Because He
Came...
He came in
And changed it all.

I am now not
Who I would
Have been...

12/8/8 -- "Who I Would Have Been"
--------------------------

Praise You! Praise You! THANK YOU!

I read in Exodus the verse in Ch. 3 where God said He was concerned for the Israelites. Concerned! The God Who created the whale, black holes, and the lensed eye is concerned for me! PRAISE GOD! I am so loved.

I feel ashamed I ever want love from another source. Especially from a guy. When I have God's love I need nothing.

I think it's time for a resolution. I found true freedom from my self will when I decided: I want God more than anything else.

I will find true freedom from love of "man" when I realize/choose to believe that I need no other love but God's.

It's a choice. And one I choose to make. I NEED NO OTHER LOVE BUT GOD'S...

I love you, God. Never leave me. Even if all else forsake me...even as so many I love have...I will never stop hanging on you. I trust in Your promise that You will "never leave me or forsake me."

Thank you....

A Confession by Ben Stein

2008-11-14T11:32:00.000-08:00

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a crèche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina)

Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?

'In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.

'Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards.

Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein
======================
I challenge you, my friends, to repost this and talk about it. We've been quiet quite long enough.
Why are we afraid to "offend" when the world has never backed away from an opportunity to shove their beliefs, no matter how awful, down our throats? Why didn't we scream in protest when they wanted to take down the Ten Commandments from the courthouses? Why didn't we lay down our own lives to stop them from taking the lives of the unborn? Why did we sit down, shut up, and buckle in for a wild ride to arrive at the destruction of America and everything good about her??

Men lived and died to give us the Constitution with freedom of speech. Now we're losing it and don't even care because we don't even use it. What happened to Christ's spirit? He overthrew the moneylender's tables in the temple! He had a whip! Are we just skimming this chapter in the Bible because it makes us realize what cowards we are? Because it challenges us to speak the truth? To get outside our comfort zones?

No more. We CAN change the world. Before it's too late. Unbuckle. Stand up. Speak! In Jesus' name. At His leading.

3 Minutes Around the Big City :)

2008-01-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, everyone. This is a GREAT activity for days off, friends, family, and infamous question-- "What DOES one do at an "adult" birthday party???"

Plan of attack: Get notepads and good pens. Oh! And a stopwatch. Drive downtown. Where there are a lot of people. Pick a spot to sit down--yes- on the little walls outside shops are okay- you won't look like a panhandler. Haha! Anyway- set the timer for three minutes and everyone has to write--whatever they want. Describe a person, a store, or talk about concepts. Whatever you want. As soon as the timer goes off- you HAVE to stop. Nope- stop in the middle of that word. Just STOP. And no rereading or editng or erasing. Leave it. When you're done- reread them. It is great fun to hear everyone else's perspectives of one place.

So my family and I did it. I wanted to share my eight "Three Minutes Around the Big City" (I suppose you could do this in little cities but what you say? "Another preteen gang walked by. Whoopy dee do." Lol!)

Peet's Coffee- Hawthorne Blvd.

So much acceptance.
Wear your plaid and stripes together.
Spike your hair with hot pink tips,
Or grow a blue Mohawk.
Dress up..dress down..hardly dress at all.
We don't care.
You're welcome here.

But not those who live to save babies from death.
No those who question whether we evolved from monkeys.
Not Jesus. No, especially not Him.
You're not welcome here.
No- not your ideas, not your beliefs.
And especially not your bumper stickers
Or sandwich boards,
You make us uncomfortable.
Go away. Go home. Go to church.
Just go away…

Buffalo Exchange

Shiny fabrics are everywhere. I hear clashing and twingling of the hangars. It's funny inside the Buffalo Exchange if you think about it. Everyone here is trying to create their look, or be different from everyone else's. But no matter how different they look, they all end up looking like someone else. There is a match somewhere for his goth, and her pink and black and yellow mash of splurged colors and fascinatingly wild patterns. That girl's hairstyle has been double hundreds of times- it was probably even in Seventeen magazine three seasons ago…

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS DIFFERENT??

Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Shoppe

Across the street is the Bread and Ink Café and to right is the Practically Divine Café, (I think it is a café.) At first, these names are just good store names sketched onto pretty boards and tacked onto artfully designed buildings. But think a little more about them. These two names symbolize man's desire to rule/replace God. God says, man cannot live by bread alone, but on every word that He speaks. But the store says no, live on bread and write your own words.
Practically Divine is encouraging the mindset that God is in everyone- not a separate, holy Diety, that deserves, indeed demands, our worship.

Hawthorne Café

Why do people design modern buildings like boxy, cut up prisons? The buildings in from of us have iron barred patios and portions that bizarrely stick out randomly with little windows and the whole building is a mixed up kaleidoscope of clashing colors. It isn't pretty. Shouldn't art inspire and draw, "OHHH! Look at THAT! So beautiful!" from people? Not- "WOW. That's so weird!" Because it really is.

These buildings are the psychological fruits of a mankind that has rejected God and His vision/norms of stately beauty.

City Liquidators on the "Couch" Level (2nd)

I've NEVER been surrounded by so many kinds of plus (or not) couches, recliners and oversized chairs in my life! Presently, I'm in a shockingly cozy one I'd love to strap to my back, bring home and live/eat/sleep in it---all the time! Forever!

But in a month (probably less if I actually spent that much time in it), I'd get tired or it. I visit another store and want another better, more comfortable couch. This one would lose its glaze of perfection. Isn't that how most people go through life- looking for another "easy chair" of comfort to distract them from their woes and even more- their duty to seek and worship God??

Dining Tables @ City Liq. (3rd floor)

We're at a dark table in a dark corner on a dark floor. This is symbolic, to me, of so many families who gathered, last Thanksgiving and Christmas, around festively decorated tables groaning with turkeys and stuffing and pies and more food than they could possibly eat, but inside, they were bitter or selfish or angry or depressed and instead of the family gathering together in love and harmony, the cheerful façade was overwhelmed by the contents of their hearts.

Everyone has that potential inside them—a dark table in a dark corner in a dark life—alone while surrounded by people.

Everyone needs Jesus…

Beds @ City Liq. (2nd floor)

I'm on a nice bed—well, it would be a nice bed if it were in a house instead of a warehouse. But to my left, a bright spotlight is invading my vision and searing my corneas.

This reminds me of how it is so easy for humans to stay "in bed," in their comfort zones in life, in warmth and safety.

But God is like the spotlight- GET OUT OF BED!! Do something for Me!!!—even if all that means is serving someone else or even if all it means is getting out of bed each day, looking for ways to worship and serve Me.

Don't stay under the covers and hide. Come out into the Light—
It makes for a beautiful life.

Bunkbed City @ City Liq.

I always wanted a bunkbed. And I always wanted to sleep on the top bunk. It was a such a safe-feeling idea. I could see anyone coming into the room. I was the king over anyone beneath me.
Doesn't everyone want to be on the "top bunk?" Being on the bottom was claustrophobic and dark and enclosed. It was like serving the top person. You had to deal with all their squeaks and squidgets on top. But they had only the ceiling to listen to and even a fun ladder!

Serving in life is like being on the bottom bunk. Dealing with others' messes and trouble but not inflicting your own on them.

Get off the top bunk—the bottom will make you happier.

(Besides—I have fallen off the ladder getting into the top bunk—what's to say it won't happen again???)

A Muse on Father's Day

2007-06-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not back. I'm just returning briefly--even though no one stops by this blog anymore anyway probably...

It's been a long time. Still going to school. Still working like crazy. Still growing in the Lord. (which is the best "still") Umm, got serious w/ someone, and we broke up. : ( But it's for the best. God always knows what is for the best.

Which is why I'm here. My dad is getting re-married. Of course, this makes me want to swear (which I never ever would do) and do all sorts of angry, you-never-loved-me ranting and things (also, which I never ever would do). Because he didn't. He never loved me. And now I will have a stepmother who I haven't even met and three step-siblings, the youngest of whom is 2, a year younger than my littlest brother when my dad left my family almost (or over) a decade ago. He doesn't want to see us more than twice a year for a couple days. I guess, honestly, I don't care. I've always wanted to be done with him. But it still hurts. A lot.

Wow, this post is so depressing--so unlike my usual style of writing. But I just needed to vent. I AM TRUSTING the Lord and I am so grateful for everything He is letting happen. Yesterday, Father's Day, I had to spend with a man I can't stand, who has never said anything true to me. We went to lunch and saw all the fathers with their families. All the loving fathers. All the fathers who were there for their kids and their wives. I wanted to be sad, and yeah, I was. But I decided the only way to handle the day was to celebrate my true Father---the One who was ALWAYS been there for me, loved me, and given to me sacrificially and perfectly. The Father I can rely on. The Father I can rest in and trust in and the One I can love... God.

If anyone else is struggling with a bad father (this means you, Scrib), do what I did: look to your true Father. Rejoice. Rest. And move on....

Praying for everyone...

Rejoice, I say again, rejoice!!

2006-11-03T16:35:00.000-08:00

When it feels
Like your world is crashing down around you,
Keep your eyes on Me.
I'll be your northern star.
I'll get you through the dark.

When you're lost,
I'll be the arrow
On the compass of your heart.

When you can't sleep,
Don't count sheep,
Think of Me, dream of Me,
And let everything else go.

When you tried and failed,
To make it on your own,
Give up the wheel,
And let Me take you home...

I wrote that back in April of this year. But it seems so applicable to right now, for me. I seem to be hitting rough spots on a more regular basis now. And that is a good thing because, as I have said so many times before, life is NOT supposed to be easy. Life is not supposed to be a time when all our desires are satisfied. IN FACT, all of our desires are supposed to be, with God's help, oriented on what GOD wants, not ourselves. I am so far from this state, but God is helping me to grow and to die to my self will whenever it wants to defend itself, its "right" to "happiness." AND, more and more, God is helping me to be happy when people in the world would be crying in the same situation. That is because God is behind me-to catch me if I fall, beneath me-bearing me up, in front of me-protecting me and leading me, and beside me-comforting me. (I know that is from one of my old poems but I couldn't find it except in my memory.)

So, I WILL rejoice. I will cherish everything, especially the hard things, that God gives me because He only does it to bring me closer to Him...

Do I have to use a title?

2006-10-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

Instead of being silent for a day, I was very, very vocal. I went to the Northwest Womens' Show at the Oregon Convention Center and worked in the Oregon Right to Life booth. It was amazing. Most everybody was polite and even kind. But we had a few really liberal, antagonistic people which is to be expected in the heart of one of America's most liberal cities. Now, for Scrib's info, we did NOT have graphic images of abortions being done, etc. We had life-size models of fetuses at various stages of development, posters of the different stages of pregnancy and lots and lots of fliers. Nothing offensive right? Well, some people were sure offended. We are trying to drum up a lot of support for Measure 43, parental notification before girls 15, 16, 17 can get an abortion. One woman told me that she had an abortion when she was 16 and she didn't need her parents and she was proud of herself. (Wow, she is in SOME state of denial. If the emotional drawbacks haven't hit her yet, they WILL in a few years.) {Read the research on it before disagreeing with me, you-know-who. :) }

Anyway, I love anything that has to do with public speaking or that sort of thing so this was right up my alley. (Does that phrase have to do with bowling or a street?? Haha.) I just wanted to let y'all know what I did instead of being silent for a day. But now, I have tons of housework and homework.

Focus on Jesus today....

www.silentday.org

2006-10-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about being silent for one entire day. Students across the nation are already signed up to participate in the 3rd Annual Students' Day of Silent Solidarity. The reason they are being silent is to tell people about all the millions of babies who have lost their voice permanently. It seems like the least I can do. The only thing is that I don't have school on the 24th. But this is something I would pray about doing anyway, so we shall see. But I encourage all of you to think about participating in this day of silence, in a sacrifice of something we take so lightly for others who will never get to experience it.

I was looking on a state by state list of abortion providers (http://www.standtrue.com/pages/prayerproject/statelist.html) and I was surprised to learn that Oregon and Tennessee only have 8 abortion "mills," however that seems like a lot compared to Wyoming who only has one, but both of those numbers seem small compared to "conservative" Texas who has 47 and (we already knew this) liberal California who has 108 abortion providers.

I know that some of you don't necessarily agree with me about abortion, but I think you would have to be missing part of your heart if it does not break with sadness at the thought of all the beautiful, innocent children who will never get to feel love of someone or for someone, or watch the sunset go down over the ocean, or play with the dogs that we all take forgranted sometimes.

On a final note, I put a bumper sticker on my new car and no sooner had I left my street than someone flipped me off for the simple truth it said:

" :) Smile! Your mom DIDN'T abort you!" Something to think about and be grateful for, eh?

Praying for you all...

Super Briefly...

2006-09-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

I GOT A CAR!! God is so good. He provided a black-cherry colored '98 Toyota Corolla with only 67k miles!! Thank You, Lord!

Been So Long

2006-09-17T15:52:00.001-07:00

I nearly forgot my username and password. Anyway, how is everyone? Good. :)

God has been doing and using me in many ways. Sometimes I feel like thinly spread butter on a very big slice of sweet, dark, rye toast (with nuts) and can only become MORE thinly spread as school starts on the 25th.

Basically, I am continuing to work at least three days a week from 9-5 sometimes to 6 or even 7 at night. The days I do not work, I work out, then work all day at home, doing random things. At night, I sleep or not. (A week or two ago, I had an all-nighter of it because I was worried for my little sister, who is still struggling to "give it all to Christ," and I was worried for myself because school is coming and I want to be a witness for Him, not a flaky sell-out like a lot of evangelical Christians my age. Anyway, God was giving me thoughts, I was writing them down and praying and all around being tremendously grateful for His presence.)

But Friday night, I got sick, went to bed, woke up and went gung-ho all Saturday making a movie about the Missoula flood (look it up!) and how it proves the distinct likelihood (of course, I believe it as fact) of a world-wide flood which the Bible recounts in Genesis. Today I am resting though and looking for a car via the newspaper and the internet.

Anyway, this is a word of gratitude that the Lord is making use of my seemingly endless store of energy (which is proving to have an end) and that He is teaching me to grow more like Him.

Praying God will work wonders in your lives when you lay them down, take up your own, individual crosses and follow Him even through the dark and stormy weather.

"Out of the Shadows"

2006-08-26T23:49:00.000-07:00

For so long,
I hid myself from the world,
Like a bear in a cave.

Armored my insecurities
With a smile and a hearty laugh
And both hands held up
To stave off anyone
Who could enter
My carefully constructed
Coccoon.

Both hands can't protect
My entirety.
Too small a space
They can fully guard
And somehow
My hiding place
Was discovered,
Breached.

Bright lights
Burned my long-darkened eyes,
Exposed me to real life.
Now, I am coming
Out of the shadows,
Never will run from reality
Again.

----------------------------------------

Well, I wrote this back in May. (Have at it, my poetry critics.) But while you read it, think about what you have a tendency to run from in reality. It's different for everyone. Is it the scary notion of letting go of the rest of your life and letting Christ run it? Is it the frightening idea that our knowledge is limited and no, there is not an answer for everything...except God? What is it for you? If you can recognize it, share it with me. I pray for many of you often and I would like to know how to more "tailor" my prayers.

----------------------------------------

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

I feel like a wasteland, and not one with streams popping up out of it. How come I do not perceive that the Lord is doing a new thing in me? Well, it doesn't matter what I feel anyway. The Lord just wants me to trust. Okay, I choose to trust that my "Gardener" knows what He is doing. :)

A Foretaste of Things to Come

2006-08-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

Just letting everyone know they should expect my posts to be few and far between for a while, not sure how long. I just feel so struck by the Lord to set my hands to the plow and try and change the world. My uncle is doing just that through his national ministry, the National Prayer Network (see link.) I want to help him. I want to help people. I want to be able to use the strengths I have to hold up others' arms when they are weak. I want to be a blessing. Most importantly, GOD wants to make me all those things. With His help, I can and will change from a mostly self-centered person to someone who is completely overwhelmed, drenched, covered, and of course, centered in Christ.

SO... please pray that the Lord will help me grow. I want to. Life is a total waste if you stay in one place. My sister, Harmony, who is SUCH an inspiration to me (she also has a blog, Truthteller Girl {see link}), related to me a quote by someone, I forget who:

"Recognize your ability to imitate Christ."

I realize this: There is no point in calling myself a Christian if I am not going to LIVE 24/7 like Christ did and commands me, and all of us to. So let's all do something revolutionary: let's live like Christ during the entire week, not just Sundays.

Praying for you all....

"Your Love"

2006-08-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

The sky has never looked
This blue
During my blackest storms.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The sun has never shined
So brightly
In the midst of so many thick clouds.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

My most mournful dirves have never
Been such sweet, happy
Melodies.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The highest mountains have never
Been flat, rolling plains
In my life.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The tremendous winds have never
Come and gone as
These gentle, caressing breezes through my hair.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

Your love catapults my spirit
To heights unknown to rockets and spaceships,
Even when my body and mind
Are filled with chaos and pain.

Your love lifts my feet to dancing
Even when the music has
Long since stopped
And the lights gone out.

Your love is the flame that
Warms my heart
When the icy travails of
My red enemy would
Long since have frozen and killed me.

Your love lights
The path You have
Chosen for me,
Illumining boulders and barriers.
And Your love carries me
When I am too weak to
Crawl onward.

Most of all,
Your love gives me a reason to live...

8/3/06-1:00am
-----------------------------------------------
I mean every word of this. I could not begin to take the next step without the Lord's love and His strength...

Just wait for a while...

2006-08-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

I am SO very busy but I will write soon. I've already planned a long "essay" on rejoicing. Thanks y'all for being patient.

A Late Thought Accompanied by Self-Doubt

2006-07-23T00:44:00.000-07:00

It is nearly one in the morning. I am awake yet again in the wee hours, yet, I enjoy it. Have you ever seen the Bruce Willis movie, "16 Blocks?" I only just finished watching it after completing a self-imposed month-long ban on movies, TV, etc. I think I made a wise decision to first watch a movie where a man is willing to give his life for something he believes in, no matter how long a time period he has believed in that one thing.

That is what true belief does for you: it makes you willing to sacrifice, to die.

A favorite, and often printed on this blog, quote of mine is one by Rev. Richard Wurmbrand:

"A man truly believes not what he recites in his creed but what he is willing to die for."

I just love that because it inspires me to seek out the depth of my beliefs and sincerity. Am I willing to die, physically, or sacrifice anything, relationship or material, etc., for what/who I believe in? I guess time can only tell the true depth of my belief as I, and many American Christians, have not yet been tested to the extent that Chinese Christians and other Christians around the globe have. They have had/still have guns shoved in their faces, with the holder screaming that they denounce the only One who offers them hope and true life, Jesus Christ, or else they will pull the trigger. Yet, in their hour of GREATEST need, the Holy Spirit comes over their hearts in a way that I can not even imagine, and at a time when everyone else's hearts would faint and quickly give in, they refuse. And they die.

When I was younger, my uncle was making movies about the encroaching threat of anti-hate laws, specifically targeting Christians, taking away free speech in this nation (see National Prayer Network and Hate Laws Exposed links in sidebar.) I was asked to participate in a "skit" as a persecuted Christian, or as someone persecuting Christians, I don't remember which. I remember everyone else being so involved, so happy that they could help possibly, and indeed, save free speech as it was threatened in that session of Congress. But all I felt was a deep cold, a gripping fear constricting my throat and chest. I saw my dear family and friends acting, but I didn't see it as that. I saw it as if it were real, as if they were really being attacked, or arrested, or beaten. I tried to act my part, but I could not stop the tears of fright from pouring down my cheeks. I ran away. The only reason I am telling you all this, not because I think you will understand since tomorrow this will probably all read as gibberish, but because I wanted to try to illustrate my intense fear of persecution and pain. I could never, in and of myself, stand and face death for my belief in the Lord. But as I grow closer and closer and more and more in desperate love for the Lord, my spirit becomes more willing to give up any measure for Him.

Remember how it says in the Bible, perhaps by Jesus, the "spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak?" Well, God is making my spirit willing, so He is going to have to make my flesh strong too.

I guess that is all a mumble-jumble, the ramblings of a desperate, seeking heart. Oh, how I want the Lord to make me into a jem for His crown. And I don't even feel worthy of say that because what if I don't really mean it? I mean, what if I am saying it for a show? I know THAT isn't true. If I were "showing off," I wouldn't have said any of this post because it is so intimate and it is all so frightening to my body to think of the coming persecutions that will inevitably come as evil takes its final stand against God. (Read Revelations if you want nightmares, by the way.)

I am seeking, I am seeking the Lord's face. One day I WILL see it. I am determined I will not be swept away. But I only have this determination because I am clinging with reckless abandon to the arms of Jesus. I wouldn't have even made it this far without His mercies that are new and overflowing every morning...

Dear Lord, please accept my broken, humble heart. It is all I have to offer. Besides, no treasure on earth could be perfect and holy before You. I can only trust in Your grace that washes over me in a steady flow like the waves of the ocean. The waves of the ocean that You set the boundaries for. The ocean that washes this great globe that You have hung in space. The space the stretches on farther than man's eye can reach. The eye of man, the man that is too stupid to behold even your smallest miracle to the greatest extent... But You said, You said that what You value most is faith like a child. Well, Lord, that is ALL I have to offer so it is a good thing it is good enough.

"Lost and Freed"

2006-07-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

I've probably already put this poem up, but no one cares if I post it again, do y'all? I have a few friends and blogger friends (specifically Will) who are really struggling and I thought maybe this would help someone!

-----------------------------------------

all around me the darkness reigns
i feel constricted by the silent miseries that surrounds me
i curl up into a ball
i try to think pretty, bright, sunny thoughts
the blackness overwhelms them

i walk around on my tiptoes
i try not to disturb the other prisoners.
they are all curled up in little balls
trying to create worlds of their own
somehow we always fail
the dark never leaves us

we hear voices
whispering, speaking, shouting in our minds
we cry, we sob
we don't let anyone know of our inner torment
but we all know

we all feel the pain that exists when the sun doesn't run rise
when the darkness lift
when life seems to stop and we wait
in death-like stupors.

i can't find a way out
i can't find an escape from this black world
of pain and aloneness
i am alone
i am surrounded by others
but i am alone
we are all alone in our thoughts and pathes of temporary escape
that always lead us to dead ends

i have no joyi know not what elation is
i am always angry, alone, upset, heartbroken.
this world is like a labyrinth
we can't find a way out
the voices are leading us deeper and deeper
i try to shut them out
sometimes it works
but it always seems as if i run out of power

i cannot raise the sun
i cannot lighten my world on my own
i need help
but whose?

someone once told me about Someone who can brighten my night
and keep it bright
Someone who is bigger and stronger than me
but to get His help, i have to give up my own will
my own struggling to grab and hold something that isn't there
i have to cry out for His hand and hold it with everything in me
because this change of leadership is going to hurt, a lot

i want to think about it
i want to weight the good and the bad
but as i try, the voices that are trying to drown me get louder
i can't ignore them anymore.
i raise my eyes from downcast to looking up

i am going to hang on really tight
i won't let go, i yell.
it is so painful but that must mean He is working
i already feel lighter in my heart
i realize that for the first time i am experiencing joy and pain-together

i can see now little fingers of light shooting out towards me
it is dark still but it is getting lighter
and i am no longer alone.

He is beside me holding my hand
in front of me leading me
behind me guarding me
beneath me bearing me up
i am no longer alone.

i have come out of the darkness into a beautiful land
i can see other people just like me
i recognize those who used to live on my right and on my left, in pain
now we are all free
we soar and we dart like birds
we are free but not entirely
we know that we are powered by Him
we live in faith that He will never let go
but if i let goi will fall, i will crash, i will die
i will NEVER let go
so help me, God!!!!!!

(Jaunary 2005, but JUST as applicable to my life now!)

I Found Old Poems!!

2006-07-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

"Tears From Gaza Strip"

Is this the world?
This bright light, dimmed by grief and greed?
Is this the world?
The laughter of children
Replaced by the staccato of machine guns?
Is this the world?
Fenced by the sea and concrete hate,
No exploration, no adventures and beauty is locked out.
Is this the world?

No, this is my world.
This is the artwork of predjudiced hate and fear.
This is what the shadowed, veiled beast willed.
Claiming all for himself,
Fighting for dominance,
Fighting against God
From before time began,
To the bottomless pit and the brimstone lake.

--------------------------------------------------------

"Nature Mourns"

Oh sad lackluster day.
Even the sky is crying,
Mourning the lovers lost,
The smiles sacrificed on the death bed of passion.
Rain runs down the foggy windows,
Like tears course her ashen cheeks.

Skeleton branches of a dying willow wave madly in the wind,
Like her empty arms clutch and hold nothing.

-----------------------------------------------

"True Love For You"

When you're smiling,
I want to make you laugh.
When you're crying,
I want to drive the tears away.
When you're singing,
I want the world to be mute, and listen.
When you're running from life,
I want to hold your hands and stop the fear.
When you're dancing,
I want to be the music that lifts your feet.
When your arms are empty,
I want to fill them with myself.
When you think of true love,
I want you to think of me.

-------------------------------------------------

"Mammoth Moon"

2006-07-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

Shadows cast themselves on the wall
Like tendrils of the great, green grapevine
Cover my balcony.
I hide in the dark deepness
Of empty arms and broken hearts
Like a big, brown bear
Hibernating in her cave from the icy assails
Of a windy winter.
The sun has not risen to end the entrapping night
But I will not wait for the dawn
To bring relief.
I shed my cumbersome covers
And look up,
To the mammoth moon
And take comfort.

The sun may never rise,
But in the dark, the moon always shines…
-----------------------------------------------

This is NOT my best moon poem, but it IS the only one I could find...

I promised, so here is "People Will..."

2006-07-20T16:39:00.002-07:00

Throughout your life,
People will doubt you.
They will say,
It is all impossible,
Give up,
You don’t have what it takes,
Let this tough stuff
Pass you by.
People will doubt you.

Throughout your life,
People will hurt you.
They will break your heart,
And try to break your spirit.
They say words are harmless,
They’ll say you can’t take a joke,
And they’ll disguise their malice
With a wicked laugh.
People will hurt you.

Throughout your life,
People will leave you.
They will promise to stick by you
Through thick and thin.
But when the rubber meets the road,
Push comes to shove,
You may find yourself all alone.
People will leave you.

Throughout your life,
People will lie to you.
They will say things
They never meant
To satisfy feelings,
Or just to make you cry.
People will lie to you.

Throughout your life,
People will doubt you,
People will hurt you,
People will leave you,
People will lie to you.
So why trust people?
Why not find Someone
Who will never doubt, hurt,
Leave, or lie to you?
Why not find the ultimate friend?

He’s looking for someone exactly like you.
He laid down His life for you.
He won’t let you go, when life gets rough.
He will tell you the truth, even when the truth
Is the last thing you want to hear,
But the thing that most needs to be said.

People can’t always be trusted,
Because people aren’t perfect.
God can be trusted,
So open your heart to Him
And find a friend,
Who will never
Hurt you,
Doubt you,
Leave you,
Lie to you.
A friend who truly loves you.
------------------------------------------------

By all means, this does not apply to everyone. But it is quite true that even those with the best intentions could let us down since they are not omnipotent, etc.

So Much Better...

2006-07-20T16:39:00.001-07:00

As y’all know, I have been “keeping late hours when the rest of the Pacific seaboard sleeps.” (old poem) There are several reasons for this: first, spiritual burdens/concerns for friends, including a blogger or two; second, attacks by Satan, emotionally; third, long, often stressful, days.

But yesterday was the worst. I was pretty much a wreck. I am NOT complaining. I am grateful and willing to bear any sort of trial for the Lord, and I do not say that in any hypocritical way. I am serious, in the same way I am serious about everything else I say on this blog even if some people think it sounds “holy” or “hypocritical.” I just owe so much to my Savior, and if I spent three lifetimes trying to repay Him, it would not come close to deserving the gift of salvation.

But I got some Tylenol PM from the store, took one at 8 last night, and slept till 9-something this morning. (I woke up once in the night when my cell phone started beeping.) Isn’t that 12 or 13 hours? I haven’t slept that long in forever! I am very grateful to God for that gift. (See what I mean?! He just keeps on giving of His love, of Himself, to us!! Even if we COULD earn salvation, which we can’t, we could never earn/deserve all the OTHER good things He showers on us!!)

Now I have to go teach swim lessons for two hours. The temperature gage is creeping up to 100 degrees and should break 105 this weekend.

Here are two verses and a quote for y’all to think about:

“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of HIS might.”
-Ephesians 6:10

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love him.”
-James 1:12

“The noble love of Jesus perfectly imprinted in man’s soul makes a man do great things, and stirs him always to desire perfection and to grow more and more in grace and goodness.”
-Thomas a Kempis
“The Imitation of Christ,” pg. 110

"A Broken, Humble Heart"

2006-07-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

Is this what love is?
This constant feeling
And desire to shout from the rooftops
The splendor of You?

Am I in love?
I cannot sleep for
Thoughts of You.
And all I once wanted
Seems archaic, pointless, vain, and stupid.

Only You,
Always You
Forever…
I can only cling to the hope
You will not reject this humble offering-
A broken, humble heart…

"Ethereal and Alone"

2006-07-16T02:55:00.000-07:00

A trail of a single set of footprints
Winding down the shore
Following the lacy borders
Of the salty sea,
For miles and miles it goes.

Finally a foggy figure like a fairy
Appears in the near distance,
Brown hair blowing wildly in the wind,
Face turned to the sea
And the hidden sun.

The lone elfin shape pauses
Staring into the crashing surf.
There's something there,
Something reckless,
And magnificently wild.
A being from a dream,
A mermaid.

The fairy and mermaid stare at each other
Locked in an trance,
Magic seems to have settled on the sands,
Time has stopped
Afraid to tick on
For fear of losing a physical fantasy.

They seem to be frozen,
Unmoving, silent.
But tears are falling from both the maids'
Aqua eyes.
Both alone, solitary in their lonely traversing
The face of this harsh earth.
The mermaid endowed with fins
And imprisoned in the lonely sea.
The fairy cursed with a true love
Given away and never given back.

---------------------------------------------------

I am super-critical and do not like most of this poem, mostly the ending. But I wrote it and don't want it to just sit there forever. Please note, that while the fairy, in the past, has been a symbol of me, it isn't now. I am quite happy and blessed. But if you have experienced heartbreak and sadness, you receive the right to express it, whenever you wish. I think...

Hmmm...

2006-07-15T13:36:00.000-07:00

(I am stealing again. I saw this quote somewhere and LOVED it. But I don't remember the person who wrote it. If anyone knows the author, please let me know.)

"The depth of one's belief determines the intensity of one's motivation."

This is SO true. I have met quite a few people (no one in particular-ahem!) who have commented on my (growing) passion for the Lord and wished they could have the same. Well if you truly believe in the Lord and that He is who says He is, you will have the same passion and beyond.

Okay, that didn't make any sense. But hopefully y'all got the gist of it...

"Untitled Hymn," by Chris Rice

2006-07-14T22:28:00.001-07:00

"Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for
Love is passing by,

Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus and live,

Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so

Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus and live,

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall... so

Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus and live,

Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then

Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live,

O, and when the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside... then

Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live,

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side... and

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live,

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live."

I LOVE those lyrics. It reminds me of a poem I wrote a long time about called, "Broken Boxes." But this song has meaning to me because I experience and do all the things mentioned in the song on a daily basis, especially the "falling on Jesus" part. It helped me, maybe it will help you. Goodnight, I only got 4.5 hours of sleep last night so I'll play "catch-up" now.

Yawn

2006-07-14T02:09:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't be awake, but I couldn't sleep. So I am here, doing nothing.

"My Secret"

2006-07-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

No one else knows my secret,
But I'll tell you.
I may look like a big girl,
Tough, capable, grown-up,
All the thing we wanted
To become when we were ten years old.

But inside, I am still a scared little girl
When the lights go out
And I am alone with my nightmares,
My fears and
My softly falling tears.

But I still look like a big girl,
Tough, capable, grown-up.
So I can't run to Mom,
Throw open her bedroom door,
And climb under her covers.
So I lie in my bed
And wait for the sun to
Peep over my window sill.

But I do not wait alone.
Jesus knows my secret.
He knows I am a baby lamb in sheep's clothing,
And I need the comforting presence
Of my Shepherd.

So He comes to me.
And when my flesh and heart fail me,
He catches me as I fall.
When my anxious thoughts overwhlem me,
His consolations give me rest.

I am still a little lamb in sheep's clothing,
But my good Shepherd watches over me
By night and by day.
And any troubles that assail me in the night
Cannot overcome the power of my Shepherd's might.
And now YOU know my secret...

"For He gives to His beloved even in her sleep."-Psalm 127:2

"They cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven."-Psalm 107:13

Almost tomorrow...

2006-07-12T23:33:00.001-07:00

"I WEAR YOUR LOVE"
Written by Gary Burr, Performed by Kathy Mattea

The things I've collected, bought or selected
The clutter that fills up my room,
I can lock up and leave it, never retrieve it.
Leave nothing but my love for you.
Let the storm winds blow, I will not be cold.

I wear your love
Thrown over my shoulders like a blanket of down
I wear your love
like a bright suit of armor reflecting the sun
On the chilliest night though I travel light
It is always enough for I wear your love.

You watched without knowing where I was going
Trusting the vision I'd found
For if dreams were a fire, I had desire
That could burn this old house to the ground.
So I walk quite free, for surrounding me

I wear your love
ike a scarf that I borrowed that still holds your perfume.
I wear your love
pulled tight as I'm sleeping under a cold lovers's moon.
On the chilliest night though I travel light.
It is always enough for I wear your love.

Don't you know, can't you see
Head to toe it is covering me
Like a stone, the oceans's tide
Nothing can hurt me or turn me aside.
For I wear your love

Thrown over my shoulders like a blanket of down.
I wear your love
Like a badge of devotion of love and be-yond.
On the chilliest night though I travel light,
It is always enough for I wear your love.
It is always enough for I wear your love."

I wear Jesus' love on my heart
And in every area of my life.
I would a walking dead person without Him
Because life would be so empty and death would be so near.
I wear Jesus' love on my heart...

(By the way, I am copying again (italics and graphics only.) A blogger friend of mine put the perfect song and graphic together and it was SUCH a blessing to me that I am extending it to my readers to be a blessing to them, I don't think she'll mind. (http://thebluebirdofhappinesscomestotea.blogspot.com/)

I am a Peach.

2006-07-12T23:33:00.000-07:00

"In many ways, I like to model myself and aspire to the cherry's example. The cherry is boldly colored, its juice staining anything. The cherry isn't afraid to stand out. And yet it is sweet and kind to all who bother to come into contact with it. It's also nutritious. I too strive to be nutritious. At the core of the cherry, it is solid, rock-hard. It cannot be easily destroyed or broken. I strive to have my own cherry pit, at my center."-Scribbley, author of Giraffe Racing and Other Musings (http://girafferacing.blogspot.com)

Until I read that post, I never really thought about the cherry or the peach for that matter. But it is true that we humans should be like them, for the most part. The stone in the center is like our souls that should be unshakeable in our faith, BUT soft and open to the Lord's correction through His Holy Spirit and true believers in Him. And our outsides, what the world sees, should be sweet yet with the tart reality of the whole truth lacing the entire bundle. So maybe Scrib said it all better, I AM stealing his idea afterall, but tomorrow I will be like the cherry. (Or the peach because it has a slightly thicker skin which is necessary in this cutthroat and harsh world we live in.)

That didn't make sense. But it did to me. Thanks, Scrib.

Life's a crazy tornado, and I am stuck in its funnel!!!

2006-07-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

I think that is one of my best titles ever, eh?

Life IS like a tornado right now. At least I am getting more sleep at night. All last week I was having horrible nightmares so I was more tired when I woke up than when I went to sleep the night before. But that seems to have passed and I can sleep for 6 hours. (Thank You, Lord!)

I stopped by my old job today to pick up my sister. I am SO glad I do not work there anymore--it is such an immature environment. Besides, who ever got buff sitting on a guard stand? Yesterday, for my day's work on the ranch, we bucked hay bales (roughly 40-50 lbs. each)- a total of 328 to be precise, and I handled ever single one since I was stacking and unstacking. I LOVE bucking hay, even though you get super hot and sticky. There's just something about raw physical work and feeling sore (in a good way) afterwards that I just love.

Anyway, sorry this post sounded like a middle-schooler on her second triple-shot cappucino. I have been so mature for my past dozen posts that I wanted to let my hair down (WHICH by the way has been cut and colored for about the 10th time this year. I'll get a picture up STAT.)

Just a sentence...

2006-07-08T09:29:00.001-07:00

I started a photo blog. (http://photodiaryofasinglestudent.blogspot.com)

"Jesus Loves Me!"

2006-07-07T16:11:00.000-07:00

I slide down to sit on the cold bathroom floor,

My back against the abruptly slammed door.

This has become my regular haunt.

Always weeping, I come.

I failed again, I say to myself,

And clench my fists so tight

My nails leave red crescent moons on my palms.

This time, like all the others,

It was my quick tongue

And rapid-fire temper

(that quickly goes and leaves remorse)

That brought me to this dark room

Alone, with teary mascara-stained cheeks.

I am so tired.

My eyes are heavy, so heavy

With the weight of sleep

And yet unspilled tears,

On the brink of flooding over.

I am tired

Because this same thing happened last night

And I am tired

Because I see the futility of fixing this myself.

So I close my eyes,

Raise my hands

And start to sing

That soft lullaby

We know so well-

Jesus loves me

This I know

Because the Bible tells me so...

He loves me

Because I trust Him.

He loves me

Because I obey Him.

He loves me

Because He made me

And He knew my name

Even before my ancestors were born

And knew how many tears

Would ever drop from my eyes.

I love Him

Because He first loved me.

I love Him

Because without His love and comfort in my life,

What else is there to live for?

I can't spend the rest of my life

On the cold bathroom floor,

And I know I will continue to make mistakes.

But I also know,

As long as I continue to follow Him

Like a clumsy, little lamb,

Jesus loves me

This I know,

Because He tells me so...

(Okay, you can comment but don't criticize too harshly because this all happened last night. Actually, sure, go ahead and criticize. It doesn't change what my message is to myself, to God, and to you...)

Lost Poems Found

2006-07-05T15:09:00.000-07:00

I have a bad habit I am completely willing to admit. During church, when I am not listening with rapt attention which is 85% of the time, I am writing poetry about what I am hearing. The result is over a dozen decent poems scattered around my notes. I finally went through and typed them all up. I took the more decent of them and am going to allow you to pick them to pieces with your criticisms. Hahaha! I suppose I shouldn't feel so protective of them, but I should figure out ways to make them better for which I need you. So be gentle.

Yes, I am in the midst of the fun kind of busy, at least everyday but today. I am home alone on grandmother-duty. Did I tell y'all she turned 90 on Sunday? Well, she is really slowing down and needs round-the-clock care, which I am willing to do. It is good practice for me since I HAVE to be cheerful and patient because I don't want to have to look back at her funeral and say, with tears, I could have been kinder. Besides, for the level of pain she is in 24/7, you would not believe how cheerful and patient she is with ME! I feel so blessed to have her with us.

Oh, right, the poems. Here they are, in random order:

"Perfection"

2006-07-05T11:17:00.009-07:00

I’ve come to terms
With the truth:
My New Year’s resolution
Will never occur-
I will never be perfect.
The Bible says
Present yourself an
Unashamed workman.
Well I am ashamed of my handiwork.
I try and try
To avoid scarlet cheeks
And the constant parade
Of my foot to my mouth.
I wear rubber bans to remind me,
Tape to bind my mouth shut
But somehow, I always slip up.
Like today and the day before,
And the weekend before that,
I nearly ready to join a convent.

But hiding away from life’s little slips,
Means never showing God’s greatest gifts-
Forgiveness and love,
Mercy and peace.

When He made me,
He knew what He created.
He created an imperfect (by my standards)
Girl, who speaks before she thinks,
And leaps before she looks.
And even though I often find myself
Tumbling down
Because of another mistake,
The best leap I ever made
Was the one straight into His arms.

That blind faith is
The only kind of perfection
He asks for and the only kind I’ll ever need.

6/28/06

Before and After

2006-07-05T11:17:00.008-07:00

Before I chose Jesus,
Every trial seemed a curse,
Because it spelled “helplessness.”
But now,
Every hardship has a purpose,
Like a puzzle piece that fits into a picture
I cannot yet see.

Before I chose Jesus,
The only person I could truly trust
Was myself.
But now,
Even if every person alive betrayed me,
The Creator of the Milky Way
Would never leave me.

Before I chose Jesus,
Life was brief and meaningless and ends in
A ride in a long, black hearse.
But,
Life is a brilliant journey and ends in
A joyful reunion with my eternal Father
In an everlasting city paved with gold.

(I made the changes, as requested, what do you think?)

God's Promises

2006-07-05T11:17:00.006-07:00

I never said this would easy.
I never promised a life free of pain.
I never wrote magic into My letters to you
That would dry up every tear
Before you even thought about it falling.

I did say that when
Mountains rise up in front of you
And the thunderclouds in life
Shade your sky,
I will never leave you.

I did promise to comfort
Your spirit
When nothing on earth could
Ease your suffering
And to catch every tear in a bottle.

I did write love in My letters.
A love that, even though
The page is tear-stained, will
Remind you that you are
Not ever alone.

6/7/06

Let's call this one "Help."

2006-07-05T11:17:00.005-07:00

Simple minds
And weak bodies
Can be the wisest and
The strongest.
Did you know this?

Do you want to be the least?
Do you know that the lowest depths
Are the greatest heights?
Did you know that the feeblest man
Is the sturdiest of all?

How can one explain
The miracle of faith?
How can one put in plain words
The metamorphosis
Of a cowardly mind
To the heart of a lion?
How can one explain the power
Of the Lord?

I cannot.
One cannot tell the majesty
Of the Lord that we serve,
Whose folly is wiser
Than all of man’s wisdom,
And whose weakness is mightier
Than all of man’s strength.

This is the God I serve.
I am weak, but He is strong.
He says that the last shall be first,
The least shall be greatest,
And the humblest will inherit the kingdom of heaven.

O, Lord!
Help me be the least.
Help me let go of my façade of strength
For the vastness and reality of Yours.

O, Lord!
Help me be last.
Help me lay down the pride and the will that
Keeps trying to get ahead but only knocks me down,
For the glory that is You.

O, Lord!
Help me be humble.
Help me accept the missteps and mistakes that come from
Being alive on this earth, instead of defending my honor,
For the perfection of faith in you.

O, Lord!
Help me deserve the kingdom of heaven.

1-16-06

(No Title. Haha!)

2006-07-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

I am SUPER busy. I have NOT deserted my blog. As soon as I get a chance to write something worth putting up here, I will. To my faithful "listening" audience (you know who you are), thanks for being patient. I appreciate you.

A New "Reality"

2006-06-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

Why do Christians in America have this twisted feeling of entitledness? Why do they feel that the Lord OWES them something, as if Him dying for them wasn't enough? Why do they rejoice and praise Him only when life seems to be "going their way?" I have encountered this attitude so many times in my life and have even felt it myself a few times and I am SICK of it. The Lord gave me salvation and I would be content if I suffered misery for the rest of my life, because I know that as long as I keep my hope and eyes pinned on Christ, I will spend eternity with Him.

One of my favorite books is called, "Tortured for Christ," by Rev. Richard Wurmbrand. Every Christian needs to read this book in order to gain a measure of perspective in our cushioned, protected, and easy lives here in the States. Rev. Wurmbrand was in prison (I think in Hungary) for 15 years. Through that time, he and many fellow Christians were tortured for Christ and lost their families, homes and some even lost their lives for the sake of Christ. Yet, after his release from the prison, and while touring the world to raise public knowledge of the imprisoned Christians, he said he had not encountered any Christians happier than the ones yet in prison. They counted all lost for Christ and felt honored that He counted them worthy to suffer for His name. I need this attitude. We all do.

It is no wonder that Christians in America are on the brink of losing their religious freedom (www.truthtellers.org) since they are trying to re-write reality. They think that Christianity is about easy living and numerous blessings. Oh, how wrong they are! Heaven is when we can live easily and have never-ending blessings. Christian life is supposed to be a struggle, but through it all, we have the peace that passes understanding in our souls no matter how un-peaceful our physical life may be.

Here me speak!! :)

2006-06-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Where to now???

2006-05-19T18:08:00.000-07:00

This girl is five-years old. A National Geographic photographer took this of her while she was watching for rainbows. She stayed on the roof of that car for a half hour, just watching, patient in the knowledge that if she just waited long enough, she WOULD see a rainbow. She saw three.

Several years ago, my attitude about what lay down the road was one of being apprehensive, not so much one of excitement. I was especially nervous if I saw a storm in the near future. This little girl is watching a storm, perhaps getting closer and closer, and yet, her first thoughts about it are to watch for a rainbow that WILL appear.

I want to look for the rainbows in life's storms. I want to be like a racehorse at the starting gate about the future. God has amazing things planned for me, not only in the future, but in the present!

Life is an incredible journey. If you keep looking at the adventures you had in the past and longing for them, you will miss the incredible adventures happening RIGHT NOW!!

Whenever it seems like there is a storm in your life, remember that the sun is always shining behind a cloud, and always, always look for the rainbow...

"To My Core"

2006-05-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

Something about the zig-zagging course
Of a bolt of electrifying light
In the expanse of the night
Astounds my soul.

Something about the reverberating clap
Of ominous, Zeus-like hands,
Thundering anger in response,
Roots me in rapt wonder
To the mere inches of ground
My humble feet claim.

Something about the proud
Roar of a conquering lion
Drives such a feeling of insignificance
Into my heart
That I feel ashamed to watch
His proud prowl
Across the sandy, rolling grass of the dark continent.

Something about the heart-wrenching wails
Of the great blue fishes,
Buried in the watery expanse,
Crying for another
To soften its solitary existence,
Makes me listen as I have never listened before.

Something about the way
You speak to me
As you try to
Share your deep, inexpressible love
Shakes me to my core.

Just a Tad Toasty.....

2006-05-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

We broke a 36-year old record today, up here in Oregon (the land of "eternal rain," (voice dripping with sarcasm.)) We got to the high of 95 degrees, I believe, which is, perhaps, not all that warm for you out-of-staters, like Californians or Australians, but it is HOT for us. It is now 5:15 and still paralyzingly warm. I made the foolish attempt of going horseback riding during my noon lunch break from work, and after two minutes in the sun, forsook the idea in order to quick finish my work and go home (with a stop for ice cream on the way home, of course.)

Now I get to go play volleyball in a hot gym for three hours. Oh, goody!! No, really, I love volleyball. But who I really feel for is my little brother who gets to play a baseball game.

However, in the face of adversity, the very stoutest in us is brought forth to show the world the warriors and the wimps. In the face of a sun that causes even the coldest ice cream cone to drip from its lofty heights to my lap in seconds, I will stand fast.

(I suppose this isn't a high quality post, is it? I wrote an essay on embryonic stem cell research a couple weeks ago and perhaps I should post that. Ohhhh, the discussions that would arise!!)

Toodles, pip-pip and all the British stuff!

No words...

2006-05-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my "long" breaks in between posts. I am more and more of the mindset that I should post when I have something valuable to say. And I don't.

ALTHOUGH, it is worth noting I am doing FANTASTIC (that is due to God's grace in my life because there are quite a few factors that could make my life quite miserable and fortunately, aren't.)

That is all.

Quote of the Month

2006-05-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

I also like the quote that says, "No man made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little." However, I am not quite sure who said that, any help?

Tips for a Visit to Southern Cali

2006-05-06T11:43:00.001-07:00

This picture was taken right after I finished surfing on a 9'8" longboard, last summer in California, on La Joya Beach. I loved surfing so much. I wish I could do it more often.

Some interesting things to note for y'all who haven't surfed and/or haven't been to South Cali:

DON'T mess with a surfing guy's territory. I have surfed three times. The first time, I was about 13-14, and I saw an awesome wave coming in off on the right. I called out "coming in on the right!" to tell all the guys about that wave. Little did I know that when you get to a wave first (which I had) you have dibs on it. Other surfers can ride it, but NOT if you call out the direction you are going to ride a wave. I, unfortunately, rode the wave straight down. It was one of the best waves to come in that day and they were all TICKED. Talk about not letting something drop! They were still all mad and yelling at me when I left.
Appearance is everything to the richies. I even saw a PIZZA DELIVERY guy driving a brand-new Audi. Makes me wonder why he has the delivery job if he can afford an Audi...oh wait, it's cause he CAN'T afford the Audi! He needs the job to make payments. This is so over-the-top, it is sickeningly wrong. There are millions of people starving in this world, yet in the world of Southern California, spend if you've got it, borrow if you don't, and there is no limit to how in debt you should get in order to fit in.
Expect to cause an accident on the freeway if you wave, smile, or make any attempt at friendliness. I'm serious. 75% of Southern Californians are mean, snobby people. (At least, in the rich parts of it. I'm talking Orange County, etc.) You would think that when they all have cosmetic surgery, they get the doctor to take out their basic decency too. My dad rented a convertible while we down there and my little brother and I made a game to see how many people we could get to smile and wave at us. During our entire week down there, we got a grand, smashing total of 10 waves back.
Do not, I repeat, do NOT make eye contact with the Hispanic men. I have NOTHING against them (except when they are illegal immigrants.) But they have a completely different culture and if you look their way, they think you are "in love" with them. Hahaha! I am not kidding. It is actually sort of scary...
The Buffalo Exchange is a worse rip-off there than in Portland. For y'all who don't know what a Buffalo Exchange is, it is like a high-end thrift store. It is bad enough in Portland, but in Pacific Beach/San Diego, everything costs about $10-15 more than it is worth. I AM SERIOUS. Don't even waste your time. Besides, all the clothes, for the girls at least, are a size 0, thanks to Hollywood's powerful influence, "the skinnier the better."

"Rising At Dawn"

2006-05-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

(This is the sequel to "Sad Fairy." PLEASE notice that this is a poem with a happy ending. The fairy is sort of like a phoenix rising from the ashes.)

----------------------------------------------------------

Night descends softly
Like a dark blanket
Dotted with flecks of snow.
Standing in the gathering dew,
The fairy waits.

Somewhere the sun is shining
Just not in this slice of earth.
The land of the fairy is dark
Like the garb of coffin-bearers
And the tear-stained black lace
On a widow's face.

Standing in the gathering dew,
The fairy waits.
Sleep does not steal
The thoughts from her head
And the visions from her blue eyes.

Sinking gently to the wet earth,
The fairy tires of her endless guard
Over the past,
Over what is no more,
Over what has been given up
To gain what cannot be lost.

Glancing down to the shadow-clad ground,
The fairy spies the cloud of a dandelion
Spreading its seeds.
Remembering the lore of the wish-granting power
Of this thing of ethereal beauty,
She plucks it gently
And brings her lips close
As if to plant a salty kiss on this once-sunny flower,
But instead, she blows upon it,
Scattering its offspring to the four corners of the earth,
Each parachuting seed bearing a fairy's wish for sunshine
And a gentle place for happiness to grow.

The night is drawing to an end,
The fairy gazes up and
The last star she can find
Is the most northern in the sky.
Wish upon the star she does
And then bows her head,
Says a prayer
For the one that she lost.

But the sun is shining through the dark,
Warming the fairy's face,
Melting the cold that had frozen
Her heart,
Helping it feel love again.

The fairy still walks alone
Under the pink causeway
Of the merciful dawn sky,
But she mourns no more
For what was given up
To gain what cannot be lost.

The fairy rises from her bed of tears
To face the rising of the dawn....

Quotes I Love

2006-05-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

"Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow."
-Aesop

"Love flies, runs, and rejoices; it is free and nothing can hold it back. "
-Thomas a Kempis

"Who has a harder fight than he who is striving to overcome himself. "
-Thomas a Kempis

"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."
-Thomas a Kempis, Imitation of Christ

"We are not doubting that God will do best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
-C.S. Lewis

"The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for."
-Dan Millman

"Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall."
-1 Corinthians 10: 12

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."
-1 John 4:18

"In critical moments even the very powerful have need of the weakest."
-Aesop

"Sad Fairy"

2006-05-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

Bright pink flowers carpet
The golden trees.
Two stems plucked from their
High havens,
Adorn the head of a sad fairy.

Two stems dropped
To the ground.
One on the dark causeway under the trees
One placed in a gutter,
To make an ugly thing beautiful.

Days slip by on tender tiptoes,
Alone, the sad fairy walked the route
Of lakeside splendor,
Stopping to gather
Two dead pink stems into her ashen hands,
Placed carefully between two snowy pages,
To keep the past touchable
Forever.

Dead pink flowers carpet
Brown trees,
Dead pink flowers fall
To this earth's floor,
Reminders of the sad fairy walking
Alone....

Today is a Passionate Day.

2006-05-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

Some days, I am like a zombie. I walk around, sort of spaced out. Some days, I am at extremes. I feel everything very keenly and if I am sad, I am really sad. If I am happy, I am really happy. And so on and so forth.

Today, I feel strongly about the cruelty of so many women today. (I have been thinking alot about abortion.) How can women be so cruel as to kill their unborn children? To take away their only chance to be able to feel the hot sun on their faces, to hear a nightingale sing, or watch a monarch butterfly flit across their path, to feel the spray of a magnificent waterfall as it cascades over the treacherous rocks? How can women explain away killing someone, so they can be comfortable? It doesn't make sense. Today, I mourn the loss of a third of my generation....

If this world were perfect....

2006-04-26T18:21:00.001-07:00

If this world were perfect….

If this world were perfect, there would be no one-sided romances; everyone who fell in love, would have their love returned ten-fold.

If this world were perfect, your first, true love would be your last, because there would be no broken hearts, and the only end to your story would be “and they lived happily ever after.”

If this world were perfect, there would be no lovers’ quarrels, no divorces, no fatherless children; every marriage would last forever, a lifelong honeymoon. (There would be no marriage counselors, because every marriage would be magical.)

If this world were perfect, there wouldn’t be any days in life when the sun doesn’t come out, and you feel alone, alone and friendless.

If this world were perfect, we would regret it.

Every single thing that feels hard to you today, is making you a better person. It is preparing you for that one person that you will spend your life with, laugh with, share your triumphs with, and cry with. Every single thing that you don’t want to face was put there to help you to grow.

God won’t make a mountain we can’t climb. He won’t ask us to carry a load we can’t lift. So the next time you find yourself wishing for a perfect world, remember that though the thorns sting for but a little while, the rose is worth the struggle.

“When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars.”- Charles A. Beard

Is a title required to make a post complete?

2006-04-26T18:21:00.000-07:00

Today was fantastic, as my friend says, legendarily divine. I met some of my family at my uncle's retired, 80-foot long fishing boat, and we took it for a sail down the Columbia (or was it up?) to its new home in Camas, Washington. It was about a three-hour cruise and the weather, although not sunny, was not too cold or windy and was not wet so it was nice. I didn't have to look at a school book all day and I ate many cookies. However, I did not eat enough cookies to feel guilty now, just enough to feel like I indulged to the point of satisfaction. It is a terrible thing to stint yourself windmill-shaped cookies when you want them. Everything in moderation, I say.

I have re-read my previous post, and I have learned things about the female mind that I sort of "knew" but not terribly well. I mean, I too am confused about all the ins and outs. Why don't we come with user's manuals? That would make things so much simpler...

On a plus, I have been very, very poetic for the past week. I have written at least one good and three "okay" poems every day. However, the good poems are always very, shall we say, revealing about the state of my heart and I am not sure I am at the point where I can share it. Perhaps if you were to ask really nicely, I would let you read one of them, but don't get your hopes up. Remember my christening post, "Shall I bare myself to the ridicule of the masses? To the hysteria of a secret love? Shall I open my heart, to have it broken while I gaze on in grief?" (Hmm, I really like those lines, perhaps I should use my own creativity in another form, since that post has long since been discarded into the never-opened archives...)

Tomorrow I return to the life of your average college student, you know the type, the ones who don't work on airplanes and take entire days to ride around on huge boats. Friday, I have a mid-term in math. My teacher says he expects it to be an eye-opener and we will all fail or at least come close. (Isn't he, "Mr. Optimistic??") Perhaps I should study...

So for now, adieu, my faithful readers!

A Promised Expose of the Female Mind: As Understood By Author/ Operator

2006-04-25T11:03:00.001-07:00

I am a female, but that does not give me any deep insights to the female mind since I am still understanding why it has to work the way it does.

Female brains tend to overfocus. I suppose you could say the average girl (I am using myself as an example, remember) will overprocess, and overthink everything that is said to her if it is of any value, emotionally especially. If a guy told me he thought I was pretty, I would probably spend a good deal of time wondering what his real motive, etc., was, even though he probably meant just, and only, what he said.

It has been said to me that guys are very straightforward. Females are much less so. We will spend hours, possibly even days, thinking about the right way to say something if it is something that could have a huge impact, such as admitting deeper feelings than friendship, or breaking off a relationship. Even worse, after we say it, we will re-analyze it and then beat ourselves up if we discover a way we could have said it better. This is why, unless you are dealing with a terribly heartless female, you will receive an email saying something important, and then another email clarifying or specifying what she said in the first, perhaps even apologizing. We always want to find the best, least hurtful way to say everything, and not that many things are simply "off the cuff."

Before I continue, I want to specify that these are general guidelines, and perhaps only to a specific type of female. There are exceptions to every rule and there are females that are very selfish, cruel, and mean. Do not, I repeat, do not give up heart if you come across one of these females; they do not represent the majority of women. At least, I should hope not.

Now let's talk about day to day life. A female will wake up in the morning and her first practical thoughts are just that, practical. She is going to think about what she will eat for breakfast, perhaps even dinner and what she is going to wear and what things she will occupy herself with throughout the day. Sometimes she gets really unpractical and starts planning about what to do if she sees "him" or what she'll say to so-and-so, etc.

Now comes the topic of clothing and appearance. Females tend to overfocus on clothes. We are sort of protective of our styles. If we don't ask for criticism, don't offer it, and better yet, don't give criticism even when asked, unless the female in question is a relative, and even then you are treading on slippery ground. However, we do desperately need and appreciate compliments. Because whether it looks like it or not, the average female makes a sincere effort to make herself look good for the male population and it is always nice when they show their appreciation.

Another thing, I would stay away from the dreaded "weight" topic entirely. Sometimes, there are exceptions though, and you may ALWAYS tell a female that she looks great, very slim, or something general like that. But be careful not to imply that she needed to lose weight. I think that a really nice guy (J.L.) I know handled a tough situtation that I, unthinkingly, placed him in. We were lifeguarding together a couple months ago and for some bizarre reason I asked him if it looked like I had lost weight because I had been trying. He said, "I didn't notice because I always thought you looked wonderful." Or something like that. THAT is a perfect example of male-manuevering out of a sticky situation. Fortunately, not all females are as blunder-headed as me and won't put you there but if you ever find yourself in such a spot, PANIC. No, I am just kidding....

I feel so superficial writing about my sex in such a way, but I think while I have all these traits, I am not your average "pretty girl." I am rough and tumble, sort of, so it is a little easier for guys to be around me, or so I have been told.

This is my first forray into the recesses of the female mind which I do not pretend to fully understand myself. I feel so sorry for you men, and promise to be as undifficult as possible in every situation in the future, now that I have written and therefore, better seen what you have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

A Gentle Laughter Ringing in My Ears

2006-04-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

That title has nothing to do with this post. I just liked the way it sounds when I say it out loud. Am I being ridiculous and silly? Probably so. But I am tired, so give me a teeny-tiny break. Why am I tired, since I continue to procrastinate till the last minute with all my homework??

Yesterday, we went biking on the Springwater Trail. This is a nice, flat, concrete trail that is miles and miles long. We, my family and my best friend, biked 12 miles. No, that wouldn't make me tired. What made me tired is my best friend used my bike and I had to scooter. You remember the type, those scooters that were immensely popular 2 or 3 years ago? Anyway, I scootered for 11 MILES. Hahaha! I feel so powerful and yet, so incredibly sore.

But that is just me babbling again. Once again, I don't feel brilliant. Isn't that the way things go? I come up with a brilliant post, a silly post, a brilliant post, a silly post, and so on and so forth. Today I go to work. As my friend Scribbley says, people are putting their lives into my hands today. Now isn't that a scary thought!!!?? Anyone who knows me from the pool would be a little concerned, but really, I am quite capable!! I need to go take a shower, perhaps that and this steaming cup of coffee will wake me up....

Stay tuned for an expose of the female's brain processes. At least as much as I can understand of the female's brain processes, which isn't much! (How DO you guys handle us????)

Something to think about...

2006-04-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

Face it- I am a hopeless romantic. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that though, but sometimes it is annoying, to myself. I just finished that Indian movie, “Dil to Pagal Hai.” It made me so, I don’t know, excited and romantic as well as expectant. I can’t wait to be in love. I can’t wait till I feel this way:

“When he looks at me, I feel beautiful. When he laughs, I feel like dancing. When he loves me, my eyes fill with tears. He has made me realize that he is made for me, and I for him.”

But for now, until God sees fit to give me that, I will work on my relationship with the Lord and with my family. I need to feel that way about the Lord and develop a more personal relationship with Him. I want to, too. He has done so much for me; He is deserving of everything I could give Him, He is deserving of all of me.

All my life, people have been telling me they loved me. My parents told me. My family told me. Friends told me. Guys told me. But, it doesn’t matter what they tell me. What matters is what they do. My dad left us, my mom and all six of us kids. My big brother left us too. My friends have rejected me for the truth that God has given me to give them. Most of those guys wanted me to hold back a crucial, if not the most crucial, part of me, my faith in God, in order to have a relationship with them. If these people truly loved me, their actions would have been in my best interest. But they weren’t. All their actions were in their best interest. They did what felt good.

Other people have told me they loved me, and truly shown it. My mom gave up her marriage so that we children would be safe from an immature father, who was emotionally abusive. My best friend Becki will tell me the truth, that I need to hear, instead of holding back out of fear of my getting offended. Most of all, God has told me He loves me and has proven it in every action He has ever taken towards me, every single one.

So love is not what you say, it is what you do. I want to prove my love for God with my actions. I want to prove my love for my family with the way I relate to them. And when I meet the man I am going to marry, I want to prove my love to him through what I do, not only through what I say.

It is about time.

2006-04-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

I had a whole page written about relationships. It was actually witty and made sense but I erased the whole thing. I don't know who is reading this blog and I guess I don't want to take the chance on revealing some, um, information.

So I will complete this post with meaningless drivel. If you must, you can try to read in between the lines and get something magnificent out of it, but it would be a waste of your time. I am hopelessly unclever, unfunny, and un"magnificent" this morning. Sorry to disappoint you.

I got new glasses yesterday, glasses that actually make me want to forgoe contacts. The first time my mom saw them she said, "They make you look SMART." As opposed to what, Mom?? Other than the new and improved "smart" factor, my new glasses are nearly invisible, which is their biggest attraction to me. I like nearly invisible.

Speaking of invisible, do you ever wish you could turn invisible for a while and listen in on conversations you were never supposed to hear? I do, sometimes. I also wish I could fly, no, not in an airplane, just fly, like a falcon, or a golden eagle.

I wish I could blame my current state of mind of sleep depravation again but I can't. I went to bed early last night and slept in this morning. I think I am just in one of my "wierd" moods. There are two Russians sitting at the table across from mine. They are babbling on in Russian and staring off into space. The guy looks like he'd rather be anywhere but sitting next to the girl who won't stop talking and looks like a skinny bumblebee because her shirt is BRIGHT yellow. Are you shocked? That wasn't very nice of me. Allow me to try again. She looks like a sunflower.

I need to go get food, or coffee or something. I just need to get out of the library at the college and off the campus. Maybe I should fly somewhere, like New York or England. Okay, now I am scaring myself with my wierdness....

I wrote this last night.

2006-04-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

I am so tired but there is no way I can get to sleep. My mind is running circles around in my head. My sister has a cold and she is snoring SO loudly. It is dark in my room, but if I turn the light over my bed on, she will wake up and she will NOT be happy, forgetting the fact that she has kept me up for the past half hour! So I choose not to incur her wrath, and so I write this by the light of a dimly shining flashlight, on the old-fashioned method of paper and pen.

I just watched half of a movie from India called, "Dil to Pagal Hai." It means "The Heart is Mad." The whole motto of this movie is "Someone, somewhere was made for you." It made me feel SO romantic, as actually, all Indian movies do.

I do not believe in coincidences. I think that everything, I repeat, everything happens for a reason. Only God can know the end result of everything that happens and we humans are simply along for the ride. A lot of things have happened in my 18 years that are too "random" and have had such varied, wonderful results to let me believe they simply...happened. Like the time that I ran across the street without looking for cars (when I was 6?) and hit a truck coming down the hill. I mean hit, because I smacked the rear of the truck with my wrist and the car NEVER crossed in front of me. Oh wait, that is a miracle. I can't think straight right now because I am so tired and my sister continues to snore, ask me sometime about all these random things and I will tell you...

But anyway, I believe that someday, I will meet the most perfect match for me that could ever be. Just like in that movie, the guy and the girl spend their whole lives on opposite sides of the same city annd never meet. Then one day, they cross pathes and their lives are COMPLETELY changed, forever.

I am not making any sense, am I? Oh well, practice your reading comprehension skills. I MUST go to bed, my day starts an hour earlier tomorrow....Goodnight.

Contemplating adulthood on my 18th birthday.

2006-04-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

This picture is, hmm, five months old??

Sometimes, I am SUCH a show-off... :)

2006-04-19T17:54:00.000-07:00

But only sometimes. Have I mentioned that I love to snowboard? No, I am not "one of THOSE girls." You know the type, the ones that buy the designer outfit and stand around looking pretty and making cow eyes at the guys. I just like strapping a narrow, flimsy board to my feet and careening down a mountainside at 20-something (or is it more?) miles per hour. Hahaha! To answer your question, yes, I am doing better today.

Anyway, no, I didn't go snowboarding today. I was working on my uncle's retired, 80-foot long fishing vessel today. He is turning it into a research vessel, slowly but surely. He has grandiose schemes of being able to put his little float plane (a Piper Cub) on the back of the boat and sailing around the world, or at least the Pacific Northwest. :) So how was I showing off, you may ask?

Well, our specific reason for being on the boat today was unloading huge barrels, full of bilge water (oily water), that weighed 400-500 lbs. EACH! We had to get them on the little barrel frame thingy, then use a pulley system (that was SO not automated) to get them up over the side of the boat and down onto a little cart. Then, I steered the cart, with a few people pushing it, to the truck. (I am really bad at distance so I have no idea how far away it was, but it took about 5 minutes because we were on a dock the whole time.) Just before the truck, we had to take this massive barrel up a long steep ramp and yes, I was still pulling, looking tough, showing off my "gym" muscles. Hahaha! Okay, enough, you don't care about the whole barrel thing or how "buff" I am.

Here is something interesting. I am REALLY sunburnt. I don't know what the weather is like somewhere else in the country, say in Tennessee, but it was HOT in Oregon today.

On a more interesting topic....um, I can't think of anything. Maybe now isn't the best time to blog because I have nothing to say. On the bright side, at least I am not feeling mournful enough to write another sad, depressing poem. I have been writing a LOT of those lately and a few of them are on this site. So, you know who you are, leave me a comment on those poems PUHLEEZE because I wrote them for/about ( etc.) you.

As I look over this post, it seems so immature. Not at all on the same level as my usual posts. Oh well, in everyone's life there are times to just be happy and sort of silly. There are also times for tears, I have had a lot of those lately so it is about time for a happy day...

It gets a little better in the end.

2006-04-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

I never look forward to night anymore. It used to be my favorite time of day because the world seemed asleep, and so peaceful. My family is all in bed, except my sister, who works a graveyard security shift.

But now, I hate the night, just like I hate mornings. The best time of day is lunchtime and early afternoon. The only good thing about the night is that the day is almost over. But still! Night is when you have to lie in bed and just think. I am not one of those people who have found magical switches in their brain and can just stop thinking as soon as the lights go out. Well, I used to be, but not since I started to take on adult responsibilities and an adult mindset.

The worst thing about night is that I become irrational. Things that I can face under the shining light of the sun become overwhelming and despairingly depressive when I turn out the rice paper lantern over my bed, and lay my head on my soft pillow. It has gotten to the point where I am not getting to sleep till one or two in the morning and then have to wake up before 7 am.

HOLD ON A SECOND. I am feeling guilty now for having complained so much. Compared to the rest of the world, I have very few problems. People are dying right this very minute. A child just found out that their mother will never come back from the store because a drunk driver hit and killed her, and that child will have to live without a mother's love and comforting presence. A woman, in the depths of despair, aborted her child, and for the next decades of her life, will regret her decision. Someone, somewhere, found out that, "No, you will never regain use of your legs." Someone was just told they have no more than a couple weeks to live. Someone just found out that the love of their life was killed and will never come back to them, so they could kiss them passionatiely, and hold them and quietly absorb and share their love.

And me, all I have to worry about is a few bills that I can't really afford to pay, a relationship that I wish hadn't had to end, and mild sleep depravation. Yes, I have it good compared to the rest of the world...

A Little Bit of Me

2006-04-17T20:02:00.001-07:00

As I look back over this past decade, I wish I could rewind time, and do it all over again. I would change so much, and yet, I know this doesn’t make sense, I would change so little. I would have wanted to meet all the people I have met, been in almost all the “guy-girl” relationships I have, and experienced almost everything I have.

I remember being 8. I had a short pixie cut, wore dresses only when forced, and loved running around with the boys. I prided myself on not crying when I got hurt. I thought blood was cool and scars were the mark of an adventurer, of someone who took the road less traveled. I was more of a monkey than a little girl. I loved trees and the forest. I loved dirt and everything about dirt, especially making mud pies and mud balls. I loved taking risks, like chasing horses (which got my cheekbone shattered into dozens of pieces). I loved bugs, especially worms. I was a little tomboy. What happened to my 8-year old self???

I remember being 15. When I was 15, I was mostly the “pretty” girl, who screamed if she saw a spider, and liked wearing lip gloss and dressing up. I always wanted to be older. Sometimes my 8-year old self slipped out and I would wrestle with my sister and guy cousins, and get dirty. But, I overly cared about what other people thought, and that showed in my inhibitions.

Now I am 18, and I am finding a new self. I care less about what other people think and I like bugs again, except spiders but I never scream, unless one is actually on me. I care about improving myself spiritually and mentally. My biggest desire is no longer to find the “perfect” man but to make God happy with me, as He is as I love and obey Him.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and I see the truth in this. If I could do it again, I would truly love more, forgive more, give more of myself to others, get away from the mirror and go outside more.

I have been listening to a song called, “It’s Getting Better All the Time.” I just got through one of the best and worst school terms in my entire life. It is bizarre to think that any experience can be both the best and the worst but last term was just that. If I could live it over, I would have thought more about the other person and less about my own feelings, I would have shared God’s love with everyone I met, and I would have been grateful for every day and every experience and learned from them, instead of doing the same thing over and over and making the same mistakes.

Why dwell in the past? Because through learning lessons from our past, we improve our future. (Besides, I am not dwelling on the past.)

In the next decade, I want to touch everyone around me with the love of Christ. I don’t want to live based on feelings. I want to live in truth, in love, in peace, and I want to live for everyone but myself. Doesn’t that sound funny? The whole message of the world is to make yourself happy; take care of number one, etc., etc. But that is SELF-love. I want to live full of love for others, for GOD!!

A line in that song is, “God won’t make a mountain I can’t climb; it’s getting better all the time.” It is, slowly but surely. I look impatiently to the future. When I am 28, what will I be doing? Where will I be? What kind of woman will this little girl have become? Will I be proud of myself and look back on the decade, that is now in front of me, and say, “Wow! God made that decade an amazingly beautiful journey! I wouldn’t change a thing!” Will I be married? What kind of man will he be? Wouldn’t it be funny if I know that man now, or even “knew” him and am not “friends” with him now, but later down the line, I married him? Who knows??? Only God, and He isn’t telling. All He is going to say now is, “I have the most perfect, happy, wonderful, marvelous life planned out for you. EVERY good desire of your heart WILL be fulfilled. But now, as you face out into the unknown, all I ask of you is that you trust me. Because this life in front of you is not a path strewn with roses. But every step you take, towards Me, towards life everlasting, I will be beside you. I will always hold your hand. And if the road gets especially rocky, you can climb into My arms, and I will carry you. Just trust me now. Just trust.”

A Beautiful Love Story

2006-04-17T20:02:00.000-07:00

My aunt and uncle met, decades ago, and dated for three months. But sadly, they broke up because of huge differences and the fact that my aunt had a lot of growing still to do. They didn’t talk or see each other for four years. My uncle was in his late twenties and was tempted to feel a little desperate. His mother told him that he didn’t need to worry about finding his soul mate; God would simply bring her down their driveway and up to their front door.

One beautiful, sunny day, my aunt was driving around in Oregon City, and got lost. She turned onto a long driveway, in the hopes of finding someone to give her directions. She drove to the end of the road, and found a big yellow house. She went up to the door, knocked, and my uncle opened the door.

They married shortly after, and have been in their “honeymoon” stage for nearly three decades.

God separated them, but knew that they were perfect for each other and fantastically brought them back together, years later.

Just because you feel like you have lost a precious thing, doesn’t mean that God won’t give it back to you later down the line, IF that is what is best for you. Simply trust for the time being and know that “every good and perfect thing comes from the Father.” Knowing (and believing) this is what has helped me the most these past few weeks.

"Just For You," by me

2006-04-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

When it feels
Like your world is crashing down around you,
Keep your eyes on Me.
I'll be your northern star.
I'll get you through the dark,

When you're lost,
I'll be the arrow
On the compass of your heart.

When you can't sleep,
Don't count sheep,
Think of Me, dream of Me,
And let everything else go.

When you tried and failed,
To make it on your own,
Give up the wheel,
And let Me take you home...

I feel sick.

2006-04-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on my couch, watching "Sleepless in Seattle," and my little sister found a huge tick on my dog. EEWWW!! Those pictures in the science books are NOTHING like the real thing. I almost threw up. Fortunately, my little sister wants to be a nurse so she and my dad are going to pull it off right now. Originally we thought you were supposed to touch the tick with a hot match but we were wrong. Ew, I am grossing myself out.

Life is messy, confusing, amazing, beautiful thing when God is the Lord of it. And the past few weeks have been messy and confusing and yeah, amazing and beautiful sometimes too. Things are getting better each day though. You know the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hanks' character is asked what he does after his wife dies? He says he gets up everyday and reminds himself to keep breathing in and out and keep eating and keep...keep living. But as time goes by, he has to remind himself less and less often, but the pain is still there sometimes. Sometimes, he gives in to it and lets himself cry, but he picks himself up and keeps going. Such is life: messy, confusing, amazing and fantasticly beautiful, when God is in charge.

Happy Easter!! Christ died so we could live, and rose again so we can reign with Him.

2006-04-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

My hair doesn't look like this anymore...

2006-04-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

Math is killing me softly...

2006-04-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

I am trying to do my graded problem for math 111 right now. I can't believe how difficult the "average rate of change" can be. Whatever, I just want to quit. Can I???

I HATE MATH!! I need a math whiz and I need one NOW. Deep breath, deep breath. Okay, now I am hyperventilating to boot....

My Line of Work

2006-04-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

I have changed careers DRASTICALLY. Actually, I went back to my old job. I used to work for my uncle and would spend every week at his ranch, before I changed to lifeguarding at the college pool. I lifeguarded and taught lessons for nine months before I quit, because God asked me to. He showed me that the place of growth for me, wouldn't be at the pool and suprisingly, I don't miss it. Of course, I miss the people, three in particular (two girls, and one guy,) but I don't miss lifeguarding or teaching.

Now I work for my uncle on Mondays and Wednesdays, roughly 13-15 hours a week. I am taking eight credit hours at the college, (two difficult classes,) so my week is pretty full. Oh yes, I was talking about my work.

Well, my basic job is building, assembling, and completing airplane wing ribs. They look sort of like snowshoes and when you line a whole bunch of them up on two spars (they are long boards extending from the fuselage of the airplane) it forms the wing. We don't have any orders for actual wings right now (just kits that people assemble into wings themselves) or I would help cover the wings in fabric. When it gets to that point, it really looks like a wing.

The funny part about covering the wing with fabric is we have to use toxic glue and it makes you kind of woozy, even if you are outside, it just does. So it is pretty funny to cover the wings with me (then I become a true comedian.)

Work is pretty cool cause I get along great with the other workers, I mean that isn't really important, but there is an old guy there, named Bill, and he is like a grandpa to me. Then there is Kevin who is always teasing me and vice versa. I think he is cool cause he calls me Sam (you know, from Dr. Seuss?)

Well, I overslept and I have school in a half hour. I never did get to my homework...oops! But it'll be okay. I didn't do it because I went to the gym and did a killer workout. My sister Harmony (the BUFF one) came too and she told me before we left she would kill me with her w/o. But I ended up showing her our dryland routine from swimming and she gave up halfway through. SO THERE!! Anyway-hello, summer abs!

Statement of Purpose?? Or not...

2006-04-11T13:34:00.002-07:00

Shall I bare myself to the ridicule of the masses? To the hysteria of a secret love? Shall I open my heart, to have it broken while I gaze on in grief?

I don't know where that came from.

Anyways, I am currently in my second term at MHCC. I am only taking two classes and working part-time for my uncle in Oregon City, building airplane parts, etc. It is really monotonous but at the end of the day, I can look at all the progress that I made whereas, at my last job, I just came to work, sat in a chair for a couple hours (technically, I "saved" lives) and then left, with nothing to show but a caffiene high.

Oh, my reason for this blog? It is to practice creative writing. My other blog is considerably more serious and is more reflective of me and my deep thoughts, but I need to practice just writing, even when I don't have anything big to say. I guess I would feel I was corrupting my other blog if I started spouting ridiculous, or otherwise, things on it.

I guess you could call this blog an open letter. Sort of like those "Christmas updates" you get from people you never talk to. This is sort of like that but not really. Whatever, it can be whatever you want it to be. To me, it is good writing practice and...and a sort of "Christmas letter." Just letting you know what is going on with me in everyday life, the funny and the sad. Yes, that is what this blog is sort of for.

The Girl in the Seat Next to You

Great News!!!

The Way

"Unreasonably" Confident

A Funny, Good Quote

Finding Rest Within

A Late Night Realization

In Honor of Valentine's Day

No Matter What

A Borrowed Blog

The Valleys

"Love is Here"

Insomnia

Current Project!

Courage: Quotes That Inspire Me

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

"Save to the Uttermost"

Darwin's Confession

A Conundrum

On my 21st Birthday

Holding On

A Thought to Live By

www.truthtellers.org

I Would Tell My Younger Self...

Broken On My Own

A Confession by Ben Stein

3 Minutes Around the Big City :)

A Muse on Father's Day

Rejoice, I say again, rejoice!!

Do I have to use a title?

www.silentday.org

Super Briefly...

Been So Long

"Out of the Shadows"

A Foretaste of Things to Come

"Your Love"

Just wait for a while...

A Late Thought Accompanied by Self-Doubt

"Lost and Freed"

I Found Old Poems!!

"Mammoth Moon"

I promised, so here is "People Will..."

So Much Better...

"A Broken, Humble Heart"

"Ethereal and Alone"

Hmmm...

"Untitled Hymn," by Chris Rice

*Yawn*

"My Secret"

Almost tomorrow...

I am a Peach.

Life's a crazy tornado, and I am stuck in its funnel!!!

Just a sentence...

"Jesus Loves Me!"

Lost Poems Found

"Perfection"

Before and After

God's Promises

Let's call this one "Help."

(No Title. Haha!)

A New "Reality"

Here me speak!! :)

Where to now???

"To My Core"

Just a Tad Toasty.....

No words...

Quote of the Month

Tips for a Visit to Southern Cali

"Rising At Dawn"

Quotes I Love

"Sad Fairy"

Today is a Passionate Day.

If this world were perfect....

Is a title required to make a post complete?

A Promised Expose of the Female Mind: As Understood By Author/ Operator

A Gentle Laughter Ringing in My Ears

Something to think about...

It is about time.

I wrote this last night.

Contemplating adulthood on my 18th birthday.

Yawn